A Hair in the Captain's Bed
by Maximoffs forever
Summary: When a long black hair is discovered in Captain Zaraki's bed the ever inquisitive Yumichika and Ikkaku decide that they must find out who the Captains' secret lover is. Purely just for fun and ridiculous situations. My first Bleach fic yay!
1. Yumichika's Discovery

**Yumichika's discovery**

Ikkaku Madarame was where he usually was on a Monday morning, or a Tuesday morning, or a Wednesday or Thursday or Frid… Ikkaku Madarame was where he usually was of a morning: lying on his bed with his eyes closed, trying to block out loud noises that would aggravate the headache he had due to his excessive drinking the night before.

The door to his room slid open with a bang, Ikkaku groaned at the loud noise and rolled over so his back was to the newcomer. "What do you want Yumichika?"

The invader was Yumichika Ayasegawa, his long time friend and the man who made him feel better about himself because no matter how bad things got Ikkaku could always comfort himself by thinking; 'Well, at least I'm not Yumichika." Ikkaku knew it was the narcissist without even having to look at him because of two things. One: only the captain, the lieutenant or Yumichika would dare to barge into his room like that and two: only Yumichika would not attack him as soon as they walked in.

"I've just discovered something exciting!" Yumichika practically sang.

"What?" came the grunting response.

"Oh I couldn't possibly say," gushed the other man. "It would be a betrayal of trust, confidence and…well trust."

"Fine, then sod off."

"Oh alright Ikkaku, you push too hard, I'll tell you!"

Sensing that his friend wasn't going to be leaving anytime soon Ikkaku sighed and sat up, rubbing his bald…I-I mean shaved head. Yumichika perched at the end of his mattress and held up something in the air.

"What is it?" asked Ikkaku squinting his eyes.

"Oh Ikkaku you are so blind; it's a hair."

"So?"

"SO, I found it in the captain's bed when I was tidying it this morning."

To anyone else this might have sounded strange but everyone in Squad Eleven knew that fifth seat Ayasegawa hated mess. One of the first things the new recruits learnt in their first week along with: stay out of the captain's way, accept the nick-name the lieutenant gives you and don't mention the third seat's lack of hair, was: keep the barracks clean at all times. Failure to comply with any of those rules, they soon learnt, lead to a one way ticket to Squad Four. Unfortunately for Yumichika his captain didn't care about keeping his room clean so Yumichika had taken to tidying it every morning at eleven o'clock while the captain was out.

"So what the captain lost a hair, we all do."

"Everyone except you," Yumichika giggled as his friend scowled. "But anyway, this hair isn't the captain's!"

"How can you tell?"

"Well it's to long," the narcissist stretched the hair until it was about a meter long.

"OK it's not the captain's hair, so what?"

"So what! Honestly Ikkaku you need to lay off the sake it's killing the few brain cells you have left! It means: The. Captain. Is. Sleeping. With. Someone." He said slowly as if to a three year old.

"Oh," came the unsatisfactory grunt, then. "OH, Ohhhhhhhhh." Yumichika gave a smug nod. "Well?" asked Ikkaku.

"Well what?"

"Whose hair is it?"

"Well isn't it obvious?"

"I suppose; Captain So-Fon's"

"Captain Unohana's" They both said together.

There was a moment of silence, then.

"Captain Unohana," spluttered Ikkaku, trying and failing to suppress a laugh. "The Captain of the healing core and the most ruthless man in Soul Society?"

"Well why not, you know what they say: opposite's attacked."

"Yeah but they mean slight opposites; like a different taste in tea, not _polar opposites_!"

"Oh shut up, at least it's a better guess then Captain Soi-Fon!" shouted Yumichika defensively.

"What's wrong with Captain Soi-Fon?" asked Ikkaku indignantly. "They're both warriors aren't they; they both enjoy a good fight don't they?"

"Yes but Captain Soi-Fon is about up to here," Yumichika held his hand up to his chin. "And Captain Zaraki is, well…" He stretched his hand into the air and went on tip-toe.

"And? At least they share things in common, if the Captain were shagging Captain Unohana he'd have to talk about kido, healing techniques, knitting patterns and shit like that."

"Well at least with Unohana he'd get a shag, I doubt he would even be able to see Soi-Fon, let alone do anything else to her, it would be physically impossible!"

"It doesn't matter about size if she's _flexible_."

"Well he'd have a better time with Unohana anyway, I bet the sweet lady thing is just an act; I bet she's a demon in bed!"

"So? Soi-Fon would be ten times better than Unohana!"

Their conversation had steadily grown louder and louder until they were practically yelling at each other. Unbeknownst to the two in Ikkaku's room, a crowd had formed outside the door full of squad members listening in on their argument.

"What's going on?" Makizo Armaki, the squad's tenth seat asked.

"Third seat Madarame and fifth seat Ayasegawa are arguing over who would be better in bed; Captain Soi-Fon or Captain Unohana." A squad member with a Mohawk and an eye patch answered.

"Shush, they're quietening down." Another squad member who had his ear pressed to the door whispered.

"Look," sighed Yumichika from within the room. "This is getting us nowhere, there's only one way to settle this."

Everyone in the corridor held their breath, listening with all their might.

"We'll just have to find out for ourselves."

"I guess," agreed Ikkaku. "But how will we find out?"

"We'll have to do a little _investigation_."

The other squad members outside gasped.

"OK then," replied the third seat. "I'll take Soi-Fon, you take Unohana."

An even louder gasp escaped the silent audience.

"No, no, that will be no fun; we'll carry out our investigations together."

The eavesdroppers now sounded like they were hyperventilating.

"Fine, we'll do it together, who shall we hit first?"

"Whichever one we come across first, obviously."

Outside a few listeners feinted.

"Alright, when do we start, only I've still got a hangover."

"Ikkaku, you always have a hangover, we'll start after lunch then."

"Fine, man this is such a drag, having to prove I'm right to you all the time."

"You're not always right! I'm right sometimes, do you remember, _you_said wearing feathers on my face would make me look like a sissy, but were you right, _noooooo_, _I_was."

"You keep telling yourself that, now will you leave only_I_ have to sleep off this headache _you_gave _me_."

When Yumichika opened the door, the corridor outside was deserted but in the courtyard outside everyone was discussing the conversation they had just overheard.

"And did you hear third seat Madarame? He wanted to put it off _and_he complained about it, saying it was a drag!"

"Must be nice to have that luxury." Sighed Makizo.

"Yeah." Everyone else agreed.

**11.11.11**

Hi people, this is my second Bleach fic, my first got one review but it was only a Christmas special so I'm not too disappointed.

*sniff*

Anyways, I'm quite excited about this one; I have it all worked out and I even have a plan, I know: a plan! Mwahahahaha. It will probably go to pot but oh well.

I AM DOING THIS IN THE STYLE OF THE DUB. I know, shoot me down in flames but I'm too lazy to put the proper suffix's on the end of the names so there.

If there are any characters you desperately want in the story tell me now! (In a review). I'm quite good at fitting characters that have no relation to the story what so ever in so suggest, demand, review!

Oh, I ALREADY KNOW WHO THE MYSTERY PERSON IS! As I said before; I have a plan.

Until next time folks xxx


	2. The Devil is a Healer With a Smile

**The Devil is a Healer With a Smile**

"Ikkaku, have you noticed that everyone in our squad has taken to saluting us as well as bowing when we pass?" asked Fifth Seat Ayasegawa.

His companion thought, hard. "Nope. But oh, now you come to mention it, at lunch I had about three people come up to shake my hand and one said I was a god amongst men, whatever that means."

"Oh, well I wonder what that's all about."

"I dunno, anyways, are we doing this investigation thingy? Only I have important stuff to do."

"By important stuff, do you mean getting drunk? Because you can do that anytime, this is important."

"Sure, fine, whatever."

The two friends were walking through Seretai after lunch trying to decide how to start their self-imposed mission. It was a fine, sunny day with a slight breeze to take the edge off the heat, it was the kind of day that Yumichika loved and Ikkaku hated. Yumichika loved weather like that because it meant that his hair was not ruined by either rain or blustery wind and the sun meant that everyone could see him more clearly. Ikkaku hated it because it meant that the sun shined off his head making everyone notice how devoid of covering it was, which usually lead to stares and whispers, which usually let to hospitalization for those unfortunate people.

An hour later the two friends were still walking around the streets.

"This is pointless," groaned Ikkaku. "Let's go home."

"No, we were just unlucky that Squad Two were training at an unknown location and that Captain Unohana is out administering emergency aid, but we will find th…" Ikkaku was stopped rather abruptly as his friend threw out his arm, hitting Ikkaku in his chest. "Look, it's Captain Unohana!" sure enough when the bald man followed Yumichika's line of sight he saw Squad Four's Captain crossing the intersection between two roads. The effeminate soul reaper turned to his friend, "Ikkaku, catch me," then promptly swooned into his confused companions' arms.

"Errrr."

"Get Unohana!" Yumichika muttered trying not to move his lips.

"OK then. CAPTAIN UNOHANA, PLEASE HELP!"

Instantly Retseu Unohana was at his side.

"Is there a problem Third seat Madarame?"

"Oh, well, er… you see Captain, we were just walking down the street; Yumichika and I, when he suddenly fainted."

"Oh dear," exclaimed Unohana. "Well he'll have to come to Squad four immediately to get looked at!"

Suddenly the captain brightened, "You're looking very handsome today Third seat Madarame."

Ikkaku swallowed; she was smiling; it was dangerous when Captain Unohana smiled.

"Oh, errr…" was the best he could manage.

"Yes, you've really smartened up in the last few days, unlike poor fifth seat Ayasegawa," she continued sadly. "He's looking very shabby these days."

Yumichika was up in an instant "Shabby, what do you mean? Is it my hair? It's my hair isn't it? Oh, I knew that man in the barbers didn't know what I meant by an elegant trim, I sho…" He blinked and looked around, Ikkaku slapped his head. "Ohhh, what a surprise, I'm all better. Oh Captain Unohana!" he exclaimed trying to feign shock. "What are you doing here?"

"You collapsed and gave us all quite a scare." She told him sweetly.

"Collapsed," gasped Yumichika overdramatically. "How awful, it's an affliction I have you see, happens all the time doesn't it Ikkaku. One minute I'm walking along as right as rain and the next I'm on the ground, unconscious … right Ikkaku?"

"Wha… oh… yeah, unconscious, on his back, like a dead beetle!"

'Elegant Ikkaku, very elegant.' Yumichika thought sarcastically.

"Oh my," said a concerned Unohana. "Well if it ever happens again I will have to perform surgery on you!"

He gulped, "Surgery?"

"Yes, this is a serious issue which can only be cured by brain surgery, which means we'd have to shave off all your hair and of course you would end up with a huge permanent scar on your head."

"Hu, huge s-s-scar, n-n-no hair? Ohhhh…" The narcissist fainted on the spot.

"Well it happened again," said Ikkaku who was feeling rather vengeful today (he could have been drunk by now if it wasn't for his so-called-friend). "Do you want me to help you carry him to squad four barracks?"

"That won't be nessasery," smiled Unohana. "I think he's learnt his lesson."

"Yeah, I think he has… Oh, you knew about it being fake?"

"I had my suspicions and tested them, but I must warn you Third Seat Madarame; I now know that you two are up to something and if you ever pretend to be ill again…Well," She smiled disturbingly once more, "Let's just say that I will assume that you are always faking injury and shall never treat you again, is that understood?"

Ikkaku sighed, "Yes ma'am."

Unohana walked off leaving Ikkaku with an unconscious Yumichika.

**11.11.11**

Ten minutes later the Fifth Seat awoke, blinking he sat up. His friend was leaning against a wall next to him.

"About time." The bald man muttered. "I was beginning to think you were dead."

"Well I'm not!" giggled the narcissist practically jumping up.

"What's the matter with you?" Ikkaku asked confused.

"The matter with me? Nothings the matter with me, what's the matter with you? Your face, that's what! Hahahahaha!"

Rubbing his head, a weary Ikkaku stood up. "Have you got concussion or something?"

"Cushion? No I don't want a cushion; I've got a plane…a plan, I've got a plan!"

"Right."

"Yes well, we want to know if the bearded lady is sleeping with the captain, right?"

"Yes."

"Well the solution is simple…we ask her."

"Suuuuure," replied the Third Seat, "and then we can be the first two non traitorous officers to be killed by a captain, what fun!"

"Oh, that wouldn't happen!" laughed Yumichika, "Momo and Hitsugaya were the first two!"

"They're not dead."

"Oh really, I thought they were, what a shame."

"Look…why don't we go and have a nice long lie down Yumichika." Suggested Ikkaku who was trying not to be hit by his friend's arms as he ballet danced around the street.

Said friend giggled like a mischievous school girl, "Ohhhhh, Ikkaku I didn't know you were that way inclined."

"What?"

"Why don't we have a nice looooooong lie down Yumichika? You're more hot for me than Soi-Fon is for Lady Yoruichi!"

Ikkaku started to twitch with anger. "Oh yeah?"

"Yes, yes, oh yes! But I'm afraid you're not my type Ikkaku; you're not beautiful enough, why don't you try Kira or Captain Kurotsuchi? Just be carful; I hear they both have a thing for bond…"

"Well that shut him up." Muttered Ikkaku as he retracted his fist from his so-called-friends face.

**11.11.11**

"…so much trouble for you in one day"

'Ikkaku, is that you?'

"No, don't worry about it; at least he's not faking this time."

'Lady Unohana?'

"How do you know?"

"Well, he would do a lot to find something out but he wouldn't go this far."

'What are you guys talking about and why can't I see anything?'

"Yeah, I don't think he'll ever forgive me for this. Do you think you can do anything?"

"Oh no, he'll heal on his own…"

'Heal?'

"…It will take a while…"

'What will?'

"…but there should be no permanent scarring."

'Scarring? Scarring? SCARRING!'

Third Seat Madarame and Captain Unohana jumped when the man in the bed started flailing around and uttering muffled yells and curses.

"Well I guess he's awake." Said Ikkaku.

"Indeed…now, Calm Down Mr Ayasegawa" Captain Unohana told the injured man loudly, as if speaking to a three year old. "I'm about to take the bandages off your face, please do not struggle."

Yumichika lay still as the healer removed the bandages that were preventing him from seeing. As soon as she was done the man demanded a mirror.

"I wouldn't if I were you." advised his friend.

"I don't care what you would do, now give me a mirror!"

Ikkaku glanced at Unohana who nodded and handed the narcissist a mirror.

Scilence.

A clock was ticking somewhere in the room.

Scilence.

Somewhere in the building a man was shouting.

Scilence.

Then…

"Ikkaku…"

"Yes Yumichika?"

"I'd just like to know…WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO ME? MY FACE, LOOK AT MY FACE! I USED TO BE BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT! HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO ME! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Suddenly Ikkaku was running for his life around the squad four barracks being chased by a deranged man in a hospital gown. In the end it took seven healers, including a lieutenant, to drag Yumichika off a terrified Ikkaku.

"That's it Fifth Seat Ayasegawa," Hanataro Yamada said kindly, "Let Third Seat Madarame go, you don't even look that bad, in fact," he continued wishing to cheer the man up, "I think you look better than you ever did!"

"WHAT!"

**11.11.11**

"Baldy!"

Ikkaku twitched, "Yes lieutenant?"

"Who's that?" she asked pointing at his companion.

"It's Fifth Seat Ayasegawa."

Yachiru blinked, "That's feather face?"

"Yup."

"HAHAHAHA, he look weird, I'm gonna tell everyone!"

She shunpoed off, Yumichika groaned.

"Well, I warned you not to come back with that stupid bag on your head; it just makes people notice you more."

"Shut up." Came the muffled reply from under the brown paper bag.

"Anyway I'm glad we ruled out Unohana; now the only person left is Captain Soi-Fon meaning I was right!"

The reason that the two had decided that the Captains secret lover could in no way be Unohana was that as Yumichika was attacking Hanataro, Captain Ukitake had come to the rescue and praised the Fifth Seat away from the unfortunate Seventh and Unohana had shown her gratitude by giving him a not-very-discrete kiss, not on the cheek, oh no, a full on kiss. Completely blowing Yumichika's suspicions out of the water.

"Well I still want to check and make sure."

"Fine, we can do that tomorrow or next week or something, I just want to rest now." Grumbled Ikkaku.

"Oh no, I'm not doing anything until I'm back to my beautiful self once again."

"Fine, good, that means more relaxation time."

"Of course, me being bedridden will mean that you will have to do all my paper work and with me being unable to work for at least a week, you'll have hardly any free time."

"What the…why do I have to do your paperwork?"

"Because it's you're fault I'm in this mess in the first place, honestly!"

"It's not my fault!"

"You blew up walls and dragged my unconscious body through the rubble,"

"I was in a hurry to get you healed up!"

"You shoved me into bushes and hedges."

"There were people around and I thought you wouldn't want anyone seeing you looking like you did."

"You threw me into a tree!"

"Yeah, well, I had to shut those birds up somehow."

"And let's not forget that you dragged me the entire way, face first, only holding my Uniform!"

"You were heavy!"

"Then there's the fact that…"

And so the two friends argued their way back to the barracks, to a few weeks of paperwork for Ikkaku and nervously applying copious amounts of concealment for Yumichika.

**11.11.11**

Righty ho, that's the second chapter done, I'm sorry, it feels like that chapter dragged on forever but I've been having serious writers block.

Next chapter they'll be investigating Captain Soi-Fon, I'm fresh out of ideas, well I have one or two but suggestions would be really useful! I mean really usefull!

Thanks!


	3. More Of A Hindrance Than A Help

**More of a Hindrance Than A Help**

**Warning, I myself have no idea why or how I came up with the last half of this chapter, I read it back and I scared myself with its' randomness. I try to keep with believable plots and I strive to make the characters act remotely like themselves but in all my fanfics I have one chapter which is complete crack and this chapter is the one for this fanfic. I have no excuses for what I wrote and I believe I was possessed, all I can do is apologies and hope you enjoy complete and utter nonsense.**

**By the way if you get any of the references you are awesome!**

**Incase it's not obvious to you, I am not the creator of Bleach nor do I have any say in what happens in the plot, otherwise there would be a lot more of Squad 11, in fact, screw Ichigo and Aizen and whatever else they're planning; they should just make a series about the best squad in the world…and Ulquiorra should be in it! OK, enough rambling, I will probably forget to do more disclaimers but there you go.**

"You're too slow; again!"

"So, back to our ridiculous mission?" muttered Ikkaku trying not to make too much noise.

"What are you elephants; I can hear you coming a mile off, again!"

"Exactly, remember just because it isn't Unohana doesn't automatically mean it's Soi-Fon." His companion Yumichika answered, also trying to make as little noise as possible.

"Yeah, well, who else would it be? It's not everyday you meet a woman who could take on our Captain and most of the women in the Seratai are soft."

"That's worst than the first time; again!"

"She might not be a Soul Reaper; she might just be an ordinary person in one of the districts or something."

"Yeah right; our Captain's a warrior he'd want nothing less from the woman he's sleeping with."

"I suppose you're right but seriously: Soi-Fon?"

"Why not, I mean look at her;' she is one tough lady!"

The two friends peered through the branches of the tree they were hiding in to watch the Squad Two training session below. Captain Soi-Fon was standing in the middle of a clearing with two bells in her hand, the objective was that, out of the twenty men, two of them could steel a bell and they would be the only two to eat that day. So clearly competitiveness was high.

"Seriously," whispered Yumichika. "Who came up with this exercise; it's totally barbaric; making them work against each other like that, I mean aren't Squad Two all about teamwork? What's teamwork-y about this?"

"I dunno but these are newbees; we do much worse to newbees!"

"Yeah, but that's because it's us; people expect that from our squad, but not them! They're supposed to be…civilized!"

"I saw that attack coming from a mile away; you people are pathetic, you call yourselves ninja?"

"Well I haven't got all day Yumichika. Is it her or not?"

"Is what her or not?"

Instantly the two men groaned as they felt the ever bubbly, ever nosey presence of Rangiku Matsumoto.

"Oh great," sighed Yumichika sarcastically. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here on official business actually." She replied haughtily. "Here."

"What's this?" asked Ikkaku as she passed them both a slip of card.

"They're invitations to my Captain's secret Birthday Party! It's going to be great; there's going to be music and dancing and food, not to mention drink. Oh and the Shiba Clan are putting on a fireworks display!"

"Fireworks…" The narcissist grimaced; he had fireworks-phobia.

"Don't worry," Rangiku assured. "None of them will end up on your head like last time, and besides, it's Kukaku Shiba who does the displays, not her little brother."

"Oh yeah, Kukaku Shiba." said Ikkaku thinking hard. "Isn't she the one who has bigger-"

"They're not bigger than mine." growled Rangiku.

"OK, OK, fine…how did you find us up here anyway?" asked the bald man.

"Oh, that was easy," the woman giggled. "I just followed the shiny light that's reflecting from your head; it's like a beacon in the darkness!"

Yumichika started to giggle as well as his friend started grumbling.

"Oh," squeaked Rangiku suddenly. "You never answered my question before; why are you two in a tree, are you trying to hide the fact from your Captain?"

"Fact, what fact?"

"Oh you know, did you two come here to make out?"

"What!" yelped Ikkaku.

"No!" spluttered Yumichika.

"Not a chance in hell!"

"Like I would ever…"

"OK, Ok," laughed the Squad ten lieutenant. "No need to get so defensive about it jeeze. It's just that you're both here…together…up a tree, it's a bit suspicious is all."

"Well for your information," spat Ikkaku. "We're here to spy on Captain Soi-Fon."

"Ewwww; pervs!"

"We are not perverts," said Yumichika shrilly. "We are doing a private investigation."

"Why?"

"Yumichika found a hair in our Captains bed and now we're trying to find out who it belongs to."

"Ohhhhh, can I help?"

"NO!" snapped Yumichika.

"Fine then," sighed the woman. "I suppose I'll just go and tell Soi-Fon that she has a couple of stalkers."

"Alright." Sighed an exasperated Ikkaku. "You can help; the hair was long and dark."

"Yay," the bubbly woman clapped her hands. "So who is on your list of suspects?"

"Err…Soi-Fon and Captain Unohana." Ikkaku listed.

"Who we've ruled out on account of her being with Captain Ukitake." Concluded Yumichika.

"That's it? That's your list? Two people?"

The men nodded making the woman sigh.

"Well I can name about five people at least who have long dark hair."

"Yeah, well so could we," defended the Fifth seat. "But we narrowed it down to the only people our Captain would consider."

Ikkaku frowned. "We did? 'Cause I don't remember doi…"

"Shut up Ikkaku, I did even if you didn't."

"Well," smirked the lieutenant before proceeding to list the people she thought fit the profile while the narcissist spluttered objections. "Obviously you didn't consider Nanao or Nemu…"

"Yes well…"

"Or Yoruichi or Momo…"

"I hardly think Momo would…"

"Or Captain Kuchiki or Ca…"

"Wait, wait, wait," laughed Ikkaku. "You think our Captain, the most blood-thirsty, ruthless man in Seireitei…is GAY?"

"What's wrong with that, you homophobic?"

"No, of course not, it's just, our Captain, seriously, and with Captain Kuchiki no less."

"Why not? I think it would be romantic: the heartless, ruthless man from the poorest place in Soul society and the rich nobleman who is still morning for his wife. Together they change their thoughts, beliefs and even their sexuality and fall for each other. Even though they always have to hide their forbidden love in fear of what others would think if they found out."

"Screw that!" scoffed the Third Seat. "You sound like of those film adverts they have in the world of the living. It's bull crap! They are the two people least likely to fall in love in the world! And stop crying Yumichika!"

"I'm sorry," the afore mentioned man sniffed. "I thought it was just so beautiful. Yes, Captain Kuchiki should be on the list, any other men you think our Captain would fall for?"

"Well…how about Shuhei? He has dark hair and he's a good cook and we all know how much your Captain likes his food."

"Not possible," grunted Ikkaku. "Shuhei has short hair."

"Kira?"

"He's blond."

"Hmmmm, Kaname Tosen?"

The two men looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"Ok fine, no need to laugh that much, oh, how about Captain Kyoraku?"

"If we must," said the bald man. "Anyone else?"

"No, that's it."

"Right," smiled the effeminate man. "I think after Soi-Fon we should all split up and investigate one person each, alright?"

The other two agreed.

There was a creek and they suddenly remembered that they were up a tree.

"Nobody." Ikkaku muttered through his teeth. "Move. A. Muscle."

This however did nothing to help as with a final groan the branch that the three were on broke away from the tree trunk and the soul reapers hit branch after branch before finally smacking into the ground.

**11.11.11**

When Ikkaku Madarame came too he had a very sore head. "Owwwwww." He groaned as he went to rub the spot causing the throbbing sensation. However he found that he could not move his arm, as his senses came back to him he realized that he could not move his feet either and he was sitting on a very hard and uncomfortable chair. Panicking now, Ikkaku realized that his eyes were open despite him not being able to see anything. "Hey, someone turn on the lights!"

As soon as the words were out of his mouth he was blinded by sudden white light. Blinking the bound soul reaper looked around him, on his left he saw an unconscious Yumichika and on his right an equally immobile Rangiku.

"OK who's doing this? Do you have any idea who we are?" he yelled in front of him.

"You are trespassers who were trying to break into Squad Two and have been arrested under suspicion of attempting to steal vital security intelligence." A young male voice called out.

"What, who is this?"

"I-I'm the one answering questions here not you. Asking! I'm asking questions and you're answering them." His voice trailed off.

"Huh? Listen kid I'm too busy to play this game of hostage with you, so why don't you just untie my fiends and me? Let us go and nobody will have to get hurt."

"Errrrm…"

"What? You don't hesitate," a female voice barked. "They can sense fear, if you show any signs of weakness they'll swallow you whole!" there was a shriek of fear from the boy.

The bald man frowned. "Captain Soi-Fon is that you?"

"No it's not Madarame, I mean stranger I have never met, seen or heard of before. I am… Mr X!"

"But Captain," squeaked the voice from before. "Your voice is definitely that of a woman."

"He's right you know; you definitely have a female voice Captain."

Ikkaku looked to his right in surprise. "When did you wake up Rangiku?"

"Huh? Oh I was awake, I was just listening. You find out more is you have your eyes closed, at least that's what Gin said."

"Ah ha!" Laughed Captain Soi-Fon triumphantly. "So you admit it, you were here gathering information on Seretai security for the traitor Gin Ichimaru!"

"No!"

"Look," said the small voice again. "We just want to know about the hidden treasure."

"Hidden treasure?" asked Yumichika coming out of his fake stupor. Ikkaku mentally rolled his eyes; why did they pretend to be unconscious and leave him to do all the hard work. They probably would have carried on the charade and have him carrying them out of there if they could have.

"Who said anything about hidden treasure?" demanded Soi-Fon.

"He did!" squealed Yumichika nodding in the direction of the first voice.

"I said it only because you said it!" he shouted.

"I said it because you said it first!"

"Look this is getting us nowhere," reasoned Ikkaku. "Let's all just calm down, Captain Soi-Fon do you think you could release us, we're terrible hostages."

"So you have hostages?"

"No, what? I said…"

"So in your merry group of three you have a pirate who hides treasure, a bald man with hostages and a traitors' accomplice!"

"What, no! That's not it at all!" Protested the fifth seat.

"So there's more is there?" shrieked Soi-Fon. "Ani, get the hot wire and the rubber hose!"

"And the flying helmet and the wet celery?" the voice asked hopefully.

"Why not."

"And the egg whisk?"

"No, not the egg whisk, it's too cruel. We'll use it later. If they don't speak, we'll use it on the woman!"

"No, please, have mercy!" begged Yumichika.

"They were talking about Rangiku." Sighed Ikkaku.

"No we weren't."

"…Oh…"

There was an awkward silence.

"Soooooooooo…" said Rangiku. "How's that voodoo doll of Lady Yoruichi coming along Captain?"

"It's not a voodoo doll; it's just a life sized model! And it will soon be finished, all I need is a brain, a lovely brain…third Seat Madarame, you know how to pleasure a woman right?"

"Errrrr…"

"I have found my brain! Fetch me the body!"

Instantly a patchwork body on a table was wheeled into the room. It had long purple hair and dark skin just like Yoruichi.

"Don't worry my love," said Soi-Fon as she stepped out from behind the light and started stroking the body's hair. "Seven years it has taken me, sewing bits from different soul reapers together to make the perfect you."

"Why didn't you just use a gigai and fashion it to look like her?" asked Yumichika.

"…SHUT UP!"

"This can't be happening." Muttered Ikkaku as several men in surgical masks tied him to a table. One of them approached him with a scalpel.

"No!" screamed Yumichika. "He has no hair; he won't be able to cover up the scar!"

"Yumichika you idiot, they're about to take his brain out! He won't care if he has a scar." said Rangiku.

"…Well we'll have to have a closed coffin."

The man with the scalpel was right next to Ikkaku. He lowered the instrument to his forehead. "HELP ME!"

"Ikkaku…"

"Help me."

"Ikkaku…"

"Hel…no, wait, what?" The man opened his eyes; he was lying on the floor below a tree with Rangiku and Yumichika leaning over him.

"Finally you're awake!" sighed the lieutenant. "You were out for ten whole minutes!"

"Out..? You mean I was asleep? Oh, it was a dream, it was all a dream."

"You must have had a terrible nightmare to make you shriek like that, it was hideous!" said the narcissist.

"Oh it was, it was a terrible dream, we were caught by Captain Soi-Fon and she interrogated us, there was wet celery and she wanted to take my brain, I didn't want to give her my brain!"

"Oh that," replied his best friend. "That all happened."

"…Wait, what?"

"Yeah Captain Soi-Fon is dancing with her Yoruichi puppet while Squad Two is burning down around her." said Rangiku matter-of-factley.

Ikkaku raised his head, looked to the left and wondered why he hadn't noticed the screaming people or the burning building or the silhouettes dancing in the flames before.

"Oh…How did we escape?"

"Well," started Rangiku. "It's a brilliant story involving jumping mice, sponge baths and time travelling aliens. You see you were knocked out so the surgery could start when suddenly there was a strange noise and a blue box appeared, a man came out and said he was the Doctor…"

And so the two friends regaled Ikkaku with their adventures in which they met new people, travelled to different places and learnt a little bit about themselves along the way.

All Ikkaku could think was '_I want some of the drugs they've been taking._'

**11.11.11**

You see; complete and utter crack.

For all those who reviewed thank you. Oh and don't worry I've taken in all your suggestions and will try my best to add them into the fic; Byakuya and peanut butter will follow shortly.


	4. I 'Aint As Think As You Drunk I Am  P1

**I Ain't as Think as You Drunk I am! – Part 1**

**For this chapter I was completely fair; I gave everyone a number and rolled a dice to see who would follow who and I must say I am quite pleased with the final product!**

"Oh no, no, no…!"

"Hey! 'Sup Yum-i-chi-ka?"

"No, no, no…!"

"Yoo-hoo girlfriend!"

"No, no, no, NO!"

"What's, hic, the matter with, hic, you?"

"The matter, is, Ikkaku, that you are supposed to be investigating two people today, _each_!" He added glaring at Rangiku who was lying next to his friend with a bottle in her hand.

"So?" the afore mentioned woman slurred. "We can shhh-shtill do that."

"Yeah, you tell 'em Rong."

"No you can't you're drunk."

"So?"

"Listen Yumi," sighed Ikkaku patting his friend on the back reassuringly, or, at least it would have been reassuring had he actually been patting the narcissists' back and not the pillar ten feet away from the man. "I get drunk all the time," he continued proudly. "And I Frum…felsum…I work fine! Trushed me; nofing will go wrong."

The fifth seat had finally had enough of the others behavior. "Fine," he threw his hands into the air as a sign of defeat, "fine, there you go!" He handed them both a piece of paper with names on. "We'll meet at the end of the day to see what a mess you've made of everything!" With that the effeminate man stalked off in an angry Huff, however the effect was somewhat ruined due to the fact that he overdramatized it and the 'storming out of the room' walk looked more like a 'I'm flouting effeminately out of the room'.

"How did he ever get into our squad?" murmured Ikkaku drunkenly. "Righty-ho then; let's get going 'Giku"

"K, K, just help me up; I can't feel my legs."

**11.11.11**

Momo Hinamori was having a great day; she had woken up, remembered Aizen, cried, trained with the troupes, remembered Aizen, cried, completed some paperwork, remembered Aizen, cried, eaten lunch, remembered Aizen and cried some more. All in all she had cried four times that day and it was nearly 2:00am, she had usually dissolved into tears twice as much, it was a new record for her! 'Wait 'till I tell lil' Shiro about this; he'll be so happy!' she thought as walked through the streets of Seratai.

Passing the hundredth identical high wall Momo's thoughts started wandering 'Seriously,' she thought. 'Whoever planned the street layout of Seratai probably really hated Soul Reapers and wanted us confused.'

As she turned around what felt like the millionth corner she saw something out of the corner of her eye: a shadowy figure darting back out of sight behind another corner. She was being followed!

'Oh no, oh no, oh no!' she thought, panicking, she didn't stop in her pace for a moment though; she wasn't a Lieutenant for nothing, she was used to danger and knew exactly what to do. She could sense his spiritual pressure behind her, he was trying to hide it but she was one of the best officers at tracking spirits. 'Alright,' decided Momo, coming to a decision. 'I know what to do!'

'Well,' mussed Yumichika thoughtfully. 'Her hair may not look that long but God only knows what she's hiding under that bun of hers, she could have longer locks that Unohana!' He had been following the small soul reaper for ten minutes now and all she had done in that time was walk though the labyrinth of streets and alleyways. She hadn't even noticed she was being followed yet. 'Honestly,' Yumichika thought while following her round yet another sharp turn in the road. 'How someone as oblivious as that ever became a Lieutenant I'll nev…AHH!"

Momo was ready, at the twist in the road you couldn't see what was around the corner; it was perfect! As soon as she had turned into the next street she stopped and waited for her pursuer, carefully the Squad Five lieutenant drew her sword and positioned herself into a fighting stance. Legs a shoulders width apart, weapon in front of her body held firmly with both hands, muscles relaxed and eyes set firmly on the corner. As soon as she saw a shadow appear on the wall opposite she attacked, screaming at the top of her lungs, she leapt onto the figure's shoulders, wrapping her legs firmly around his neck she proceeded to whack him repeatedly with the hilt of her Tobiume.

They stayed like that for a few seconds; the unfortunate stalker stumbling around, blinded by the body of the midget bashing him with the butt end of her sword. But Yumichika wasn't the Fifth Seat of Squad Eleven, the most infamously bloody-thirsty and brutal squad in the Soul Society, for nothing either. Reaching up he grabbed Momo by the waist, wrenched her off of his head and threw her to the ground where she lay still. The narcissist didn't notice the absence of movement however as he leaned heavily against the wall, trying to regain his breath and his consciousness which was slowly slipping away. "Insane bitch." He spat when he had enough energy.

"Oh I am, am I?" screamed the tiny girl as she launched herself at the poor man yet again, she lunged for his feet this time, sending him flying over her shoulder. Quickly Momo spun around and jumped onto his back, or she would have done if it were not for the fact that Yumichika managed to roll over at the last moment, so instead of sitting on her pursuers back she found herself straddling his hips.

The both of them were oblivious to this however as the Lieutenant recognized her assailant. "Yumichika?"

"Lieutenant Hinamori."

"What are you…I thought…hey, wait a moment; are you stalking me?"

"What, no!"

She gasped, "Oh my God, you_ are_ stalking me!"

"Now why would I be stalking you?" Reasoned Yumichika, however his words fell on deaf ears as Momo was beginning to hyperventilate.

"Oh, my God, oh my God, oh my GOD!" she whispered as she started rocking back and fourth. "Oh yes! It all makes sense now, the flowers, the chocolates, the…the _black thong_, oh, oh, OHHHHHHHHH!"

"The black what?"

Two members of Squad Eleven were doing what members of Squad Eleven did best, apart from fighting; avoiding work. They had done this many times and were used to the route to their secret supply of Sake when they came across a rather unusual sight. Daisuke and Kazuhiro were present when the 'conversations of heroes' (as it was now called) took place, however they were doubtful that either man had managed to persuade Unohana or Soi-Fon to sleep with them. So imagine their surprise when they happened upon their Fifth Seat on the floor with a moaning Lieutenant riding him.

Yumichika didn't quite know what to do; what was this woman babbling about? She was obviously insane and his back was starting to hurt, however, no matter how hard he tried, he could not lift the hysterical woman off of him as every time he moved her legs tightened, reflexively around his waist. In the end he decided that enough was enough, with an almighty heave he sat up, however the momentum carried him sideways so now, instead of _Momo_ straddling _him,_ _he_ was straddling _Momo_.

'Just great,' he sighed inwardly. 'Just what I needed!' it was then that he noticed two members of his Squad gaping, open mouthed at the scene before them. "What the hell are you two doing here? Go away before I decide to paint the walls a nice new colour I like to call ESSENCE OF IDIOT!"

Squad Eleven might not be able to build a time machine but they weren't complete idiots; when a pissed off Soul Reaper of higher rank than you threatens death, you do what they say!

**11.11.11**

Rangiku Matsumoto was never the subtle type.

"YOOO-HOOOO KYORAKU, WANT A LIL' DRINK-Y WINK-Y?"

See.

Instantly the Captain of Squad Eight's head poked out of his office window, "Why if it isn't my little friend with the big assets." He called down to her, "Why don't you come on up and we can act on your propo-ow, ow, ow!" A heavy book whacked the man out of the way of the window and the head of the Squad Eight Lieutenant poked out instead.

"Rangiku, what are you doing here and why are you talking to my captain? Go bother your own!"

"Ohhhhh acting a little jealous aren't we Nanao, but don't worry, you can share; there's plenty of me to go around!" came the Captains voice as if he were the most generous man in the afterlife. This remark earned him yet another set of large, book-shaped bruises.

"Matsumoto go away; you getting him into one of his moods!" Nanao yelled down to her fellow Lieutenant. "If this continues the situation will escalate exponentially resulting in yet another sexual harassment complaint and the form is very long and arduous and I don't want to have to fill it out AGAIN!"

"You file complains against your own Captain?"

"YES, a lot! I hope that one of these days one of them will hit him where it hurts and he will finally calm down a bit, honestly he's worse than a dog, at least you can get them neutered!"

"Awwwww, but you wouldn't want me neutered lovely Nanao," came the Captains voice. "I'd be a lot less fun to play with then." He added suggestively.

His poor subordinate sighed and looked down helplessly at her friend. "See what I mean; now he won't calm down for ages."

"Well…" said Rangiku, feigning innocence and good intentions. "If you want I could take over for a while; I've got lots of Sake to knock him out and I'm used to men acting like that around me, in fact I quite enjoy the attention…"

"Why does that not surprise me." muttered Nanao, too quietly for anyone to hear.

"…so I won't be filing any harassment thingys against him. Why don't you take the day off and I'll babysit him for a while?"

"Ohhhhh yes I like the sound of that!" An enthused Captain exclaimed, popping his head over the window sill.

Nanao, uncertainly looked from her drooling captain to her bubble headed comrade, 'Well, it has been a while since I've had a break,'she mussed 'and this will give me a chance to complete my paperwork without being constantly interrupted…hummmm'.

"Alright," she conceded. "On your head be it."

"YAY!" cheered the happy Captain.

"Excellent." smiled Rangiku evilly.

**11.11.11**

"Renji, did you hear that?"

"Hear what Captain?"

Byakuya Kuchiki paused for a minute under a sakura tree in his garden, apparently observing how the slight breeze was affecting the cherry blossoms.

"I do believe I am being followed."

"What!"

"No Renji do not turn around; that will only draw attention to the fact that we have discovered him."

"Oh, right, OK, what should we do?"

"_We_ do nothing, _I _find out what he is hoping to achieve by stalking me."

Slightly insulted Renji started sulking, kicking the ground with his feet like a moody child, "How do you know he's after you Captain, he could be stalking me."

"You? What would he gain from stalking you? No Renji, you are of no importance to anybody, it is highly unlikely that somebody would want to discover the secrets of a person of no value, when a personage of extreme importance and influence is standing right beside them. Trust me, I am the intended target and I and I alone will make that man rue the day he heard the name Kuchiki!"

'_No importance to anybody_, a person of no value am I?' thought Renji angrily. 'Alright Mr Snob, I'll let you handle this on your own and when you find yourself in a situation that you can not handle, don't come running to me!'

"Yes, of course Captain. You will succeed in capturing the assailant where as I would just slow you down and mess things up."

"Finally Renji, you are beginning to learn." replied his Captain, as stoically as ever.

"Please excuse me sir; I might accidentally blow your plan if I stay here too long." With that Renji gave a stiff bow and walked off in what appeared to be a calm manner, however if anyone looked closely they would see that his muscles were too tense and his hands were balled into tight fists.

Hidden out of sight behind the Squad Six barracks, swaying slightly was a giggling Ikkaku Madarame. He had just seen Renji storm off in a huff, 'Probably something that stuck up bastard said,' he thought, 'maybe I'll invite him round for a drink later.' Turning his drunken attention back to Byakuya he jumped as he realized his target was almost out of sight heading through the gate and into the streets of Seratai.

'Let us see how fast my pursuer is.' Byakuya thought and he proceeded to flash-step over the rooftops of various buildings, Ikkaku following him as best he could. 'So, not completely useless,' concluded the Squad Six Captain after ten minutes of high speed pursuit. 'Maybe someone from the stealth squad, but what would Soi-Fon gain from this? No, wait it would not be Soi-Fons' orders; she is in Squad Four with severe burns; she is in no fit state to issue orders. So…is this person working alone or is there someone else behind this? Is it Aizen? I shall have to gather more information.'

With this Captain Kuchiki leapt down onto the streets of Seratai and calmly headed towards the gate leading to North Rukongai, Ikkaku following on top of the buildings still.

"Please refrain from doing such vulgar things in the middle of a public street." Byakuya said unemotionally while walking passed Yumichika who was still trying to untangle himself from a moaning Momo Hinamori.

Up on the top of a nearby roof Ikkaku gave his head a slight shake and then looked at the two again. 'I must be more drunk than I thought.' He mentally concluded, glancing at the scene once more before continuing to tail Kuchiki.

**11.11.11**

"Now that was embarrassing." groaned Yumichika; he had just been discovered by the Captain of Squad Six and therefore his best friend in, what could be interpreted as, a very intimate moment with the Squad Five Lieutenant, "Could this day get any worse?"

Momo kicked him in the groin. "Of course it could."

As the poor Fifth Seat rolled over on the ground clutching the only manly thing she possessed, Momo stood up.

"**RAPE!"**

**11.11.11**

**Ok that's all for now, I will try and update as soon as I can, this chapter was a bit slow but that means that all the setting up for the next chapter is out of the way, so the next one should have more comedy in it.**

**As always suggestions are welcome, and don't worry; I've got the perfect place for the other suggestions I've received!**

Kazuhiro = prosperous one

Daisuke = great helper (since both of these OC's were a great help in making awkward situations even more awkward and therefore funnier)


	5. I 'Aint As Think As You Drunk I Am P2

**I 'Aint as Think As You Drunk I Am – Part 2**

**He he he organisation! Now every time you see**

**11.11.11**

**It means that a new section of the story is starting, I looked over my work after a couple of comments and saw that the three stars I put in to indicate a change of scene or whatever it was I was changing, wasn't showing up when I uploaded the chapter from word!**

**So hopefully this will rectify that problem, a big thank you to those that pointed this fault out to me, I found it confusing reading back, and I was the one who wrote it!**

**And I'm sorry for the big wait, one word EXAMS!**

**I wrote a big ol' chappie to make up for it though (it's actually more words as the previous chapters put together)!**

**Anyway onwards and upwards.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own bleach, but I do own my imagination, you're getting the best of both worlds!**

**11.11.11**

_**Tuesday 5**__**th**__** October**_

_12:32 pm_

_I've been thrown in a cell, me!_

_They just chucked me in here and threw away the key._

_Highly unhappy about current situation._

_12:45 pm_

_This is not the most pleasant experience in my life._

_But I don't see what's so bad about it, honestly why do people complain so much?_

_12:50_

_Oh my god, I've just realised; there's no mirror in here! How can I tell if I look beautiful or not?_

_I think I may start to have withdrawal symptoms._

_12:52_

_I'm still here. No one's come to visit me, no one, not even Ikkaku._

_So alone…so alone!_

_Wait someone's coming, is it somebody?_

_Oh crap, no; it's a nobody._

_Wait…why's he being put in my cell?_

_Helllooooo, I'm here you can't just put him with me…wait, I'm talking to you…why are you leaving! COME BACK! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE; I'M VERY ATTRACTIVE, __**HE MIGHT TRY TO RAPE MEEEEE!**_

_I've lost track of time, I'll just say it's a day later, no a week, no a year, no three, that's it, three years later!_

_I've never done anything terrible; I don't deserve this kind of treatment. I should be famous, living in a big mansion with a wardrobe the size of Kentucky, but instead I'm here in a cell in Squad Six, writing in my diary, with no mirror and sitting with a man who smells like feet!_

_Life is so unfair._

**11.11.11**

"I can't believe it, how did you – actually you know what Ikkaku, after twelve years I've learnt to never be surprised when you're around."

"We've known each other way longer than that Renji."

"Yeah but when we first met I was a naïve idiot who thought you had a brain!"

"Ha ha ha" Ikkaku mocked, fed up.

If anyone else were in his place they would probably be too terrified to even walk let alone talk back to the Lieutenant. However Ikkaku had been in this situation on numerous occasions: there had been the time he had given his own Lieutenant fizzy drinks from the world of the living before her weekly visit to Byakuya's house, there had been the time when he had gotten drunk and tried to go to the toilet in Captain Kuchiki's Koi pond and the time that he and Squad Seven's Lieutenant Iba had been found trying to steel Senbonzakura for a bet to name but a few. In any case it is safe to say that Third seat Madarame had been arrested and placed in a holding cell in Squad Six many times before, and this time, everyone knew as they saw him being led to the cell by Renji, would be no different: he would be there for a day, complaining loudly while ordering everyone around and getting drunk with Renji until his captain burst into the room demanding a fight. All anyone thought as they saw him being locked up was '_Great, now we'll have to rebuild the wall again!_'

The bald man turned around as his friend locked the door. "So Renji, when you coming back with the booze?"

"Sorry Ikkaku, can't do that this time; if the Head Captain finds out I'm toast." Shaking his head Renji said "I just can't believe what you did, you do realised that you have just completely destroyed all of my Captain's pride and credibility."

"Pussy."

"What was that?" Renji glared at the man who had just uttered the unforgivable insult.

"You heard," he put on a high pitched, girly voice. "'You just destroyed my Captain's pride…'"

Renji turned as red as his hair, "Hey, it's not funny; you don't know what it's like…"

"Nhe, nhe nhe nhe nhe nhe…" mocked Ikkaku.

"Hey, I'm in enough trouble as it is, if I…"

" 'If I don't do get him sane again I won't get any from him for a week,' " Ikkaku said in an imitation of Renji.

"Hey, don't be disgusting!"

"Ah, c'mon man, how long did it take?"

"How long did what take?"

"How long did it take for Kuchiki to turn you into his little bitch?"

"Wh…I…how." Renji could only stutter in indignation.

"I see what's happening," Ikkaku pressed on, eager to humiliate his friend even more. "That man's got you wrapped around his little finger and you only…"

"So…you finally came." Said a gruff, hoarse voice from behind Ikkaku, instantly the two friends stopped bickering and turned to look in the direction of where the voice came from. "Yes…I'm here, finally come to get me huh?"

Squinting, the two men could just make out a figure in the corner of the cell, hunched up into a ball with hair hanging over his face.

Ikkaku starred, "Yumichika…is…is that you!"

Lurching forwards the figure emerged into the light, making both men scream in fear, Ikkaku clutching the bars of the cell in terror. "What's the matter?" Yumichika Ayasegawa leered. "Aren't you happy to see your friend alive? Oh, no, wait, I forgot; you left me for dead, didn't you…DIDN'T YOU?"

He approached Ikkaku who's mouth was flapping around like a fish out of water; he was trying to speak but no words were coming out and in the end all he could do was slowly sink to the ground as his former friend loomed over him.

Renji was the first one to regain the power of speech; it was probably due to the fact that there were strong bars separating him from the deranged Shinigami. "Yumi man, I didn't know you were here, you look…well."

"Oh I do, do I?" it was obviously the wrong thing to say; the one afternoon without a mirror had obviously done a lot of damage to the narcissists appearance; his hair was mattered and unkempt, his skin saggy with a yellowish tinge and his eyes were empty, but there was a strange unsettling gleam in them. "While you were off playing games and drinking like merry little fairy's, I was stuck in here, deprived of food and water, without any reflective surfaces with a madman intent on making me his whore!" he yelled pointing at the other occupant of the cell.

Said man looked up from where he was sitting, smiled and waved "Disturbed is 'e?" he asked indicating Yumichika. "Mutterin' to 'imself a lot, was wonderin' if he needed some drugs or someit' to calm him down."

"Nah we're good." waved back Renji before turning his attention back to the Fifth Seat, only to hear the last of his sentence.

"…But of course she was jealous of me so she turned into a Daffodil and flew away."

Without thinking Ikkaku said "Daffodils don't fly Yumi."

"I KNOW THAT! Obviously a wizard had cast a spell on it, probably the one from that world of the living book, 'Merlin Potter and the Dark Lord of Twilight'."

"S…so why are you in here in the first place." Ikkaku asked now that he deemed Yumichika to have calmed down a bit, or at least he wasn't likely to attack him for breathing too loudly anymore.

"I'm glad you asked," replied the narcissist. "You see after you left me and Momo in that tricky situation…"

**11.11.11**

"Now that was embarrassing." groaned Yumichika; he had just been discovered by the Captain of Squad Six and therefore his best friend in, what could be interpreted as, a very intimate moment with the Squad Five Lieutenant, "Could this day get any worse?"

Momo kicked him in the groin. "Of course it could."

As the poor Fifth Seat rolled over on the ground clutching the only manly things he possessed, Momo stood up.

"**RAPE!"**

The next few minutes were a blur to Yumichika; he remembered a lot of running, many yells and finally the sight of many women attacking him. All he knew for certain was that he was now in a room in the Kuchiki manor at the mercy of the Women's Shinigami Association, or at least most of them as Rangiku, Nanao and his own Lieutenant were conspicuously absent.

"Now, do you want to tell us what happened earlier Momo?"

Yumichika looked round and saw Momo Hinamori sitting with a blanket wrapped around her and a cup of hot tea clutched in her hands, being comforted by Lady Yoruichi, Lieutenant Kotetsu and her sister Third Seat Kiyone Kotetsu, Lieutenant Kurotsuchi and Rukia Kuchiki. From the looks of it, it was Isane who had asked the question.

Hinamori sniffed. "Well, it all started about three weeks ago when I found a letter on my desk…

Momo gulped and recited the letters she had received:

'_Blood stains are red,_

_Gin's eyes are blue,_

_Soul Society is shit,_

_And I am watching you_'

"Well of course I was terrified so I just tried to ignore it and hoped that it was a one off, but more letters kept on coming:

'_Yo Momo,_

_I was just in the area last nit so I desidod to drope by, but when I got 2 ur rom u were aslep and I couldn't wak u 'Cause u just loked so beutiful. I hop that next time u won't be aslep so we can 'get it on!'_

'_Hey Hoe,_

_Damn gurl u lok fine, u had a bathe last nit didn't u? I saw u trogh da windaw (I was just makin sure over peples weren't loking, don't wory I'm not a perv) anyways u got god tits! Can't wait to see mor of u (if u get my droft!)_'"

Momo blew her nose loudly on a handkerchief Nemu had given her. "All I could tell was that I had a stalker…and that he was a really bad speller! Anyway, after that last one I hardly left my room, the only time I went out was to get food. But that didn't work; you see one morning I woke up and…and…th-there was a pair of black leather thongs on the pillow right next to me!"

All the women gasped and started muttering words of shock and tried to comfort Momo, then, as if in a horror film, they all turned to glare at Yumichika in unison. He felt certain that he was going to die; he would not leave this room, it would be his tomb. That is if he could not talk himself out.

"Now look, why would I do something like that, I mean seriously, a black leather thong? How unfashionable do you think I am? Also I absolutely _detest_ bad grammar, do you honestly think I'd be able to write so atrociously? Think about this even further ladies, I mean, you know me, have I ever shown sexual interest in women?" Yumichika reasoned.

"Well…he has a point." said Isane.

"No. no, no. Don't let him talk his way out of this!" hisses Yoruichi. "For all we know he became a Soul Reaper with the express intent to stalk Momo, believe me, he could have just been leading us along the whole time, I mean who would suspect an overly Kamp narcissist who hates bad spelling to be a sick minded stalker with a fetish for black leather and bad grammar!"

All the women gasped.

"It's true, it's all true! I mean, he is in Squad Eleven after all!" cried Isane while her sister patted her on the back.

Yumichika thought this was all going a bit too far. "Hey! Let's not start getting Squad-ist around here."

**11.11.11**

"…and it got worse from there." The narcissist concluded with a sigh.

The other two were staring at him with mixed expressions of horror and admiration on their faces.

"Are you trying to tell me that you now know where the Women's Shinigami Association meet?" asked Renji excitedly.

Yumichika looked at him as if he had gone man, "Renji I have known for ages, after all I helped to design the interior!"

"You mean to say that you've been sitting on this gold mine of information, not telling even me, your best friend? Oh Yumichika…Yumichika." Ikkaku finished shaking his head disappointedly.

Confused as to why his friends were disgusted with him, the narcissist decided to continue with his story.

"Well after I put them straight about the ethics of Squad Eleven…"

"Ethics?" Ikkaku enquired.

His friend glared at him. "Yes Ikkaku, ethics; the fact is that some of us actually have them! Anyway…"

**11.11.11**

He couldn't believe his luck; somehow the Fifth Seat had managed to talk around the group of psychotic women, he was now not tied to a chair but comfortably sitting on a pouf while discussing Momo's secret stalker with the girls.

"It must be someone really tall." Rukia was saying, "Or they wouldn't be able to see through Squad Five's bathroom window."

"He's got to be really skinny," added Momo. "As the only way he could have gotten into my room was through my window which doesn't open that wide!"

"And we know he's got terrible grammar," helped Yumichika. "So he's probably of very low intelligence or very high intelligence."

The women stared at him.

"Well," he continued. "Either he doesn't read a lot or he's holding so much information in his head that he deems grammar not important enough to remember."

"Or," reasoned Isane. "He could just be dyslexic?"

"I suppose." Sniffed Yumichika, embarrassed that he had forgotten about that possibility.

"In any case we should try and get into the mind set of this maniac if we are too discover him!" Rukia declared, taking the lead.

Everyone started nodding and muttering in agreement and understanding.

…

"So how do we do that exactly?"

Everyone turned to look expectantly at Nemu as she was the smartest of them.

She merely looked back expressionlessly. "I wouldn't know where to begin as I have absolutely no experience with men."

Everyone turned to look back at Rukia.

"Well…I…erm…well to think like a pervert we have to act like a pervert," she said knowledgably. "And to do that we have to talk to a pervert. So…over to you Yumichika!"

All the women turned to look at him expectantly.

Yumichika squeaked in surprise. "Me? Why me? I'm not a pervert!"

"Yes but you are the only man here." Reasoned Kiyone.

"And you are in what is considered to be the most perverted Squad in Seireitei." Added Yoruichi with a wink.

The man pondered this for a while before deciding that it wasn't taking a jab at him personally. "Alright then, to the Women's bath house!" And with that he walked out of the door, passed old Ginrei Kuchiki and into the street, followed by a gaggle of women.

When they were beside the tall walls that enclosed the bathing area of the female Soul Reapers Yumichika turned around to address his followers.

"You have asked me to teach you how to become perverts and I shall. Lesson number One: how to become a Peeping Tom."

After hearing the pleasing sound of awe he turned to point at the building behind him. "This is where you shall receive your crash course, the aim of all Peeping Toms: to spy on naked women who are unaware of their presence and so are acting without constraint." He turned back to look at the rest of the women seriously. "Men…I mean women, you must use all of your skills, courage and brain power. If you are caught, you will be killed, but if you should succeed the reward will be unimaginable! Now go, make me proud; split up and be prosperous!"

Everyone let out a cheer and ran off in different directions leaving a proud Yumichika sparkling in the middle of the street. '_Now to see how they do,_' he thought. '_I wonder if I should give them grades for this?_'

Looking around the effeminate Soul Reaper spotted a tall building nearby, he smiled and flash-stepped to the top where he found several men drooling with binoculars pressed to their eyes.

"Tut tut, gentlemen must not spy on ladies bathing!" as soon as he said that, the men (who all happened to be in Squads Eight and Eleven) took one look at Yumichika, recognised him as their superior, concluded that they had no chance of fighting against him and left the roof as fast as they could. Satisfied Yumichika bent down to pick up one of the pair of binoculars that one of the men had dropped in their hurry to escape.

'_I wonder how they are doing. I can't believe none of them came up here._' Looking through the lenses he looked around, frowning he looked again; he could not see a single one of his comrades. He looked on the streets, the other rooftops, the sky, the bath house, the windows of the other building the…wait. Doing a double take, Yumichika once again directed his gaze towards the bath house itself. Inside all the women were sitting in the hot springs having a soak and talking! '_What are you doing there, no that's not what you're supposed to do! Peeping-Toms can't do that so neither can you! Honestly do they have no brains, I take them out here and tell…_'

Because Yumichika was so lost in thought he was quite surprised when he was arrested by two members of Squad Six.

"Wait, what are you doing?" cried the Fifth Seat.

"We are the guards on duty of patrolling the bath house today and you are under arrest." Replied one of the men importantly.

"Patrolling?"

"Yes," replied the other. "The rotor says it is squad Six's duty this week."

"What rotor, I don't know of any rotor!" said Yumichika utterly confused.

"Well you wouldn't would you? Squads Eleven and Eight are not allowed to be on the rotor as they would spend all their time looking at the women that they were supposed to be protecting." The first man explained while peering over Yumichika's shoulder to look at a woman who had just emerged from the water.

"We're taking you in sonny; you're nicked!" Squeaked the second man in excitement. "You're coming with us, to the big house!"

And without further ado, Yumichika was frog marched to the Squad Six Barracks where he was placed in the holding cell where he eventually lost his mind.

**11.11.11**

"…You were teaching women how to spy on other naked women?" asked Renji slowly.

"Yes, that's right." Nodded Yumichika.

"Ok…and Rukia was with them?"

"Yes."

Ikkaku nodded impressed, he reached one arm through the bars of his cell and slapped the flabbergasted Renji on the back. "Dude, your girlfriend's a lesbian!"

Renji reddened again, "She's not my girlfriend, we're just…friends."

Ikkaku gave him a scornful look "Uh huh, sure you are."

Embarrassed Renji tried to change the topic of conversation, "So what about you Ikkaku, tell me how you drove my Captain round the twist?"

The bald man shivered as he remembered…

**11.11.11**

Ikkaku had been following the Captain of Squad Six for a while now and after a little fit of flash-stepping (which utterly confused the Third Seat by the way) and discovering his friend in a very awkward situation, nothing eventful had happened. Byakuya Kuchiki had just walked through the town and into the forest, where they had now been for ten minutes.

'_I wonder if this is where he and the Captain go to meet in secret,' _wondered the bald man. Then he gasped as drunken realisation hit him, _'Oh my God I hope they don't start _doing _anything while I'm here!' _Ikkaku started hyperventilating _'Must get away! Must. Not. See. Scaring. Event.'_

He bolted off to the left, trying to escape the images that his imagination so kindly supplied to him.

"Stupid brain," he muttered while running through the woods. "I thought I'd killed you with alcohol!" But the more he tried not to think about his Captain and Byakuya, the more his imagination ran wild. Why, he could even hear them in his head, his drunken brain creating images with which to taunt him.

"_Captain Zaraki stop that!" gasped Byakuya Kuchiki, trying to catch his breath._

"_Make me." Growled Kenpachi as he ceased biting the other man's neck so he could pin him against a tree._

"_But what if someone were to…" the protests soon stopped and then the only sounds that came from Captain Kuchiki's mouth were moans of pleasure and longing._

"!" screamed Ikkaku, covering his ears in an attempt to drown out the noises of the two imaginary Captains.

He was concentrating so hard on trying not to think that he took no notice of where he was going or of the spiritual pressures around him. So when he ran right into the middle of a gang of thieves and murderers he was completely shocked.

Everyone was in stunned silence, the bandits sat and stared at the strange Soul Reaper who had just run into their camp and Ikkaku was staring back, frozen mid-run.

Somewhere in the forest a twig snapped. It was if the starting bell of a boxing match had just been rung. There was instant uproar. All of the bandits grabbed their assorted weapons and charged at the man who had dared intrude on their lives. Ikkaku was fine with this, more than fine in fact; one could even go so far to say that he was positively delighted with the turn of events. This he could handle. A fight would take his mind off disturbing thoughts and even though none of the men were particularly skilled there were a lot of them, thirty at least, so Ikkaku had a good time cutting them down.

When he was done and all of his opponents were piled up into a groaning mound, he looked around at his surroundings. There were about ten tents in a circle enclosing the remains of a camp fire. Someone had obviously just been fishing as there were seven freshly dead fish in a basket. A rustling noise above him caught his attention. Ikkaku looked up, he blanched.

"Ca-Captain Kuchiki, ho-how long have you been up there?"

The Captain of Squad Six looked stonily down at the Third Seat of Squad Eleven from his perch in the branches of a yew tree. "Long enough." He replied coldly.

'_Oh god I'm screwed,_' thought Ikkaku. '_No, wait, he only saw me fighting bandits; he doesn't necessarily know I was following him. I could still get out of this alive._'

Deciding to play the idiotic fool (which was easy because unfortunately no one ever had great expectations when it came to the intelligence of Squad Eleven members) Ikkaku casually said "So, what brings the great Captain Kuchiki all the way out here to mingle with the commoners?"

Byakuya's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I'm not sure if I like your tone _Third Seat_ Madarame."

Ikkaku's eye twitched at the condescending way the other man had said his rank, "I meant no disrespect _sir_ it's just that I'm a little surprised to see you is all. You don't strike me as the kind of man who would enter a forest in one of the worst areas of Rukongai."

Ikkaku looked up at his superior with baited breath.

"You are quite right, I did not come to this place by choice, it's just that…I'm being followed."

Relieved that his bluff had worked, Ikkaku feigned surprise.

"Followed, by who and what for?"

"As for whom it is pursuing me I do not know but I thought the why would have been obvious." He looked at Ikkaku expectantly.

Unfortunately for him, even though he was mostly thinking straight thoughts now, a few remaining traces of drunkenness decided to make their presence known to Ikkaku at that moment. For a few seconds his brain stopped working properly and he said "Oh I see, someone else wants to catch you having sex with Captain Zaraki too."

**11.11.11**

"…well you can imagine that he was'nt overly thrilled at that. Hey…stop laughing Renji!"

The red-head tried and failed to sober up. "I'm sorry man but I still can't believe that you said that to Captain Kuchiki, if it were me I'd be dead by now, just be thankful that the only one who can discipline members of a Squad are their own Captains or you'd be sleeping with the fishes my friend."

"Yeah, yeah," muttered Ikkaku gloomily. "I don't know why you think I should be grateful though; when my Captain finds out what I was suggesting about his sex life he'll slaughter me!"

Yumichika decided that he had forgiven Ikkaku and chose that time to start comforting his old comrade. "That is if the Captain is not sleeping with Captain Kuchiki; if he is then he may be grateful that it is out in the open and you may be spared."

"So does that mean that he's definitely _not_ sleeping with Momo?" the Third Seat clarified.

"Ohhhhh out of the question." The Fifth Seat shook his head vigorously. "Our Captain…isn't the most romantic person in the world and the fact that Momo's secret admirer tried to woo her with love letters, no matter how crude they were, proves that he was trying to be caring. Therefore our Captain is in no way connected to Mr Pervert."

"I guess you're right…"

Renji had been following this exchange of information with a slight frown on his face and now he looked positively pained as his mind was putting the pieces of the puzzle together. "Wait a minute…" he said eventually, causing the other two to jump as they remembered that he was there. "…are you investigating who your Captain's stalking?"

Yumichika blinked, "Stalking! Oh no, no, no, no, we are trying to find out who he's been sharing his bed with."

"We found a hair." Ikkaku added with a decisive nod as if it explained everything.

Giving both men a look that clearly said 'I'm worried about your mental health' Renji quickly changed the topic of conversation "You need to finish your story, what did my Captain do to you, I bet he blew his top right? And that's how you ended up in here?"

"Well no actually that's the odd thing…" Ikkaku continued his story.

**11.11.11**

"Oh I see, someone else wants to catch you having sex with Captain Zaraki too." Ikkaku blanched, had he really just said that?

Captain Kuchiki's eyes widened, he starred at Ikkaku for five minutes without saying a word. He couldn't believe it; this shabby lower class idiot thought that he, Byakuya Kuchiki, head of the noble Kuchiki clan and Captain of Squad Six…was gay? He was too shocked for words. In fact this information was so preposterous, so ridiculous and so…well he had been noticing men more and more lately…

'_Oh don't be an idiot!_' Byakuya scolded himself silently. '_You know you're not gay, it is forbidden in the family and besides you were married, you loved Hisana didn't you? You loved her enough to break the laws of Soul Society to save her younger sister! You can't be gay!_'

"I loved gay can't Hisana." He blurted out.

Ikkaku was rather shocked, he blinked a few times as he tried to make sense of the other man's words.

Giving himself a mental shake, Captain Kuchiki tried again, "I can't be gay, I loved my wife and I'm not interested in that sort of thing, it's unnatural and wrong and completely …" he thought desperately for another insulting thing to say. "A waste of time."

Cursing himself for the stupidity of his last comment Byakuya stared to walk away.

"Wait...wait a minute captain."

Sighing Byakuya turned around to face the consequences of his temporary loss of vocabulary. Ikkaku was looking at him with a strange look in his eyes, what was that? Fear? No. Amusement? No, not that. Was it…could it be…_pity_?

"You know sir," Ikkaku said gently. "It's not like the old days now, people are becoming more…understanding. I've had to become more understanding! Do you think I was fine with Yumichika when I first met him? Hell no!

'I laughed at him, I beat him up, I almost killed him once, well more than once but that was after we became friends. Anyway one day when I was done kicking the shit out of him I asked "Why don't you fight back, why don't you defend yourself?" and he said to me,

'"Why should I? Why must I always justify my actions, it's just who I am. Don't people criticize how you live your life? Going from place to place, never stopping, never settling down, just so you can find fights. Some might call that meaningless but it's just who you are and I think being who you are is more important than anything in the world. Even if you die at a younger age than most people you'll die with something most people don't 'happiness and pride' and no one can take that away from you."

'Well after that I never touched the guy again and instead I started talking to him and before I knew it he had become my closest friend…my only friend and because he understood that travelling was part of who I was, he followed me and never tried to hold me back or criticize anything I did. I owe a lot to him and I respect him. He," Ikkaku uncomfortably scratched his neck. "He's the bravest man I have ever known."

Byakuya was staring at him again. "That…was the most beautiful story I have ever heard!" he burst into tears and held onto a slightly scared Ikkaku for support.

After a few minutes of awkward patting on the back from the Third Seat, Captain Kuchiki finally regained his composure.

"Thank you Third Seat Madarame, you have opened my eyes, I don't need to hide who I am anymore, screw everyone else! Those stuck up bastards who tell me how to live my life can all go and die in a ditch somewhere," he threw his head back and bellowed at the sky. "I CAPTAIN BYAKUYA KUCHIKI, HEAD OF THE NOBLE KUCHIKI CLAN AM BISEXUAL AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!"

With that he ran back through the forest, giggling manically, leaving a slightly deaf Ikkaku behind, feeling utterly confused. Deciding that Captain Kuchiki would probably wear himself out and calm down back into his normal self before actually telling anyone about his new found sexuality. Ikkaku concluded that it was time he went home and find out how the others had faired with their assignments.

He knew something was wrong as soon as he saw the gate in North Rukongai; the huge structure that has guarded the Court of Pure Souls for thousands of years had been reduced to splinters. With a sense of foreboding the Third Seat tentatively made his way into the Seireitei, looking around he saw that it was strangely empty, usually there were many people milling around catching up on and creating gossip, but it was deserted now. Giving a slight shiver he made his way to the Squad Eleven barracks, he met no one on his travels and not a gust of wind passed by. At this point Ikkaku was coming up with wild visions of what could have happened, '_It's the Espada, Aizen's trying to invade again and he has everyone under complete hypnosis, maybe it's the Visords trying to take revenge on Souls Society, or maybe it's the Bounte again…no wait that's just stupid talk!_'

The biggest shock for the poor man was walking into his barracks and hearing…nothing, not a whisper. Ikkaku started hyperventilating '_Alright Ikkaku calm down, they're probably just out drinking, at the same time! Yes that's it, simultaneous drunkenness!_' Losing his nerve, Ikkaku pelted out of his Squad's quarters and ran to the nearest Squad, Squad Twelve. '_There's always someone in Squad Twelve!_' he thought hysterically. '_Kurotsuchi will just laugh at me then try to drug me as I walk back to my men who are training somewhere, yeah, that's right; that's exactly what'll happen!_' Unfortunately for Ikkaku Squad Twelve wasn't empty, it was worse than that; there were Soul Reapers lying on the ground everywhere, the laboratories were ruined, machinery was broken, glass tubes were smashed and computers were flashing red lights left, right and centre. It looked as though a tornado had ripped through the place.

That was the final straw for Ikkaku, he ran screaming from the building, he shunpoed around Seireitei looking for any sign of life. Until at last he found them…all of them! Every single conscious Soul Reaper was gathered in a huge huddle and they all seemed to be looking at something. Relieved that he had found other people Ikkaku used his authority to push his way to the front of the crowd. When he saw what everyone was watching his mouth fell open.

There, in the middle of over 2500 people, Captain Kuchiki was running round with his shirt off, twirling his scarf in circles above his head, trying to avoid his fellow Captains all of whom were attempting to quieten him down (Captain Kurotsuchi wearing absolutely nothing) as he was shouting profanities and secrets about every one of them to the world.

"…and his mother was a Rhinoceros! I know why Captain Ichimaru was always smiling; when he was little he was walking passed a glue factory, when he was laughing at a joke the factory exploded and the glue stuck the smile to his face! Captain Unohana uses medical Kido to look slim, in reality she weighs…" At that moment he collapsed due to a syringe full of some unknown drug being plunged rather roughly into his neck by none other than the Captain of Squad Four herself.

"My, my, such ridiculous stories you have been coming up with Captain Kuchiki," Retsu smiled sweetly, silently daring anyone to suggest that she did use Kido to keep her weight down. "Whoever put you up to this?" she asked as she gave him a little healing power to wake him up, but not enough so that he was back to his manic self again.

"Madarame helped me realise that I don't have to hide anything anymore," Byakuya slurred. "He told me to keep no secrets I LIKE BOYS AND GIRLS!"

"Alright, that's enough Byakuya," said Ginrei Kuchiki who has just arrived. He started walking Byakuya back to his mansion, pulling him by his scarf.

"Let go man, you're not the boss of me, I have money I can buy what I want and what I want is a PONEY!" Byakuya yelled as he was dragged away kicking and screaming, just like a four year old.

As soon as he was gone all 2500 people turned to look at Ikkaku who had been trying unsuccessfully to melt into the crowd as soon as he had heard his name.

"Madarame," seethed Captain Hitsugaya. "What did you do to Captain Kuchiki?"

"I - I - I didn't do anything, I just tried to help is all – he was depressed and needed to be his own person you know? Not a robot."

"Well he's certainly his own person now," chuckled captain Zaraki, who had been doubled over with laughter the whole time. "But I hope that this sudden onset of insanity hasn't affected his fighting skills." He warned seriously.

"Third Seat Madarame," called out Head Captain Yammamoto from his perch on a nearby rooftop. "For all the disruption and damage you have caused by altering Captain Kuchiki's already delicate mental status, you will spend a month in the Squad Six cells. Is this clear?"

"Yes sir." Muttered Ikkaku as Renji, who looked like he had been slapped in the face by a kipper, lead him away.

**11.11.11**

"…"

When Ikkaku finished his story he was met with a stunned silence.

"Oh," Yumichika said eventually. "Well … I mean to say … good for him!"

Ikkaku nodded but he wasn't really paying attention to the narcissist, he was too busy trying to ignore Renji who was gawping at him with his mouth open. After about five minutes of trying to avoid eye contact with his friend Ikkaku had finally had enough. "What Renji! Look I'm sorry if I destroyed your Squads credibility or whatever but I didn't really do much at all!"

Renji continued to stare.

"'Cmon Yumichika let's go."

Grabbing the dishevelled man, Ikkaku made a hasty exit from the cell which Renji hadn't locked yet due to all the commotion, Yumichika trailing behind him. He shut the door on Renji who was still looking like he'd been told that Rukia was pregnant with Ichigo's child.

**11.11.11**

Stretching and yawning Rangiku Matsumoto sat up, not ready to open her eyes she let her body assess where she was. She was sitting on something hard and cold, from the tinny sound that it made when she wrapped her fingers on it, it was made of metal. Finally deciding it was time to open her eyes; she blinked and looked around her.

She was in a completely unfamiliar room, this did not daunt her however as she was used to waking up in alien places when she had been drinking, in fact she quite enjoyed trying to work out where she was and what she had done to get there. Looking around this room was very interesting indeed; there were machines and weird looking gadgets all around, most of them damaged and emitting foul smelling smoke, there were glass gars with dead thing floating inside them everywhere and men were lying unconscious all over the place in the strangest positions.

Frowning Rangiku decided that her best cause of action was to recall what she had done the night before.

She remembered that she had gone to get information from an old drinking buddy…

**11.11.11**

Everyone in Squad Eight could hear it, everyone in Squad Eight knew what it meant, everyone in Squad Eight felt sick.

Their Captain and the Lieutenant of Squad Ten were…

SINGING!

"She's a Killer Quee-eeen! Gun-fight and jeopardy, dynamite and a da-da-da, why have I forgotten the words? Anyti-ime"

"Wow Rangiku, you have such a beautiful singing voice!"

"Why thank you Captain, I serve to live...wait, that's not right…"

"It's as if an angel reached down from heaven and shoved a voice-box, it had just ripped out another angel's throat, down your neck."

"Why thank you Captain; that might be the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me."

"A gorgeous girl like you," said Kyoraku in a disbelieving voice as he lay across his desk. "Never! I bet men are falling over each other to compliment you."

"Ohhh-hhh, Captain." Giggled Rangiku playfully.

"No, no, I mean it; they'd have to have something wrong with them not to try it on with you, I bet you've had some great guys in your time." He added suggestively wiggling his eyebrows.

"Captain Kyoraku I'm surprised at you; you should never ask a lady about her private life like that!" Trying to look offended, but failing miserably, Rangiku turned her back on Kyoraku and made to stumble her way towards the door.

"No, wait." He called after her. "Oh, come on, I was only joking with ya', besides," he said slyly. "Everyone already knows about _that_ side of your life!"

This caught the Lieutenants attention; even when drunk she was a gossip queen and gossip about herself was something she loved hearing, if only to laugh at the ludicrous things men were saying they'd done to her.

"Go on," she slid back into the chair opposite her drinking buddy. "I'm listening."

"Well," continued the Squad Eight Captain. "There's talk that you are still hung up about a certain somebody."

"Who?"

"Oh," Kyoraku poured himself another drink. "Let's just call him Iin Gichimaru."

"Uh-hu," she smiled knowingly. "And did this 'Git-shit-maru' have a permanent expression on his face?"

"As a matter of fact he did," exclaimed the Captain. "He was always frowning."

"And always had his eyes open?"

"You bettcha'; never saw him blink, not once!"

"Sounds boring to me," smirked Rangiku. "This 'Iin' character sounds like the complete opposite of what I'd go for."

"Oh yeah?" Shunsui perked up hopefully.

"Mmmm," she confirmed. "I like guys who aren't afraid to show what they're feeling."

"Really?" He asked leaning towards her.

"Who don't mind letting their guard down every once in a while." She continued leaning in herself.

"You don't say." He lent in further.

"A man who has his own style…"

Closer.

"…who makes his own rules.''"

Closer.

"…who isn't afraid…"

So close.

"…of a little…"

Their lips were inches from each other.

"…intimacy."

Shunsui licked his lips and moved in to kiss hers when she suddenly pulled away laughing like the drunk woman she was.

"I'm sorry…I-I'm sorry." She tried to calm herself down but seeing the pout on the other man's face she just started giggling again.

"That's not a nice trick," Sulked the Squad Eight Captain. "You should be more aware of other people's feelings."

"Oh come on," she had finally stopped laughing, her face bright with an idea. "I know what we can do! Let's go!"

She stood up and started dragging him towards the door.

"Where are we going?"

"Outside!"

"No, wait." Kyoraku pulled Rangiku back, whispering. "We can't go out Nanao will stop us."

"_Nanao will stop us_! But you're her Captain; just order her to let us go."

"Honestly; you don't know what she's like. I may wear the Captain's Coat but round here…" He pulled Rangiku round and looked her dead in the eye. "…it's her rules."

Shivering slightly at the intensity of his gaze the Squad Ten Lieutenant started wondering about her friend. Sure she was strict and basically ran the 'Women's Shinigami Association' (Yachiru didn't help much with raising money, just spending it), but she had never thought her friend held this much power over her superior.

'_If only I had this much power over my Captain_' she mussed, slipping into dream land.

"_Here's your Sake Matsumoto."_

"_Why thank you Captain."_

"_And that bath of milk you asked for has been made."_

"_How sweet of you."_

"_Would you like anything else?" asked Captain Hitsugaya, he was dressed in the fashion of a maid in the world of the living; he had a short black dress, a pretty apron and high heeled shoes. His hair was gelled back and he was smiling shyly at his Lieutenant._

"_Yes, now that you come to mention it, I have another darling little outfit for you to try on!" she exclaimed patting his head._

"_Really!" he asked in excitement, his face lit up with the prospect of new clothes._

"_Here we go." She proclaimed, holding up a sailor-boy suit, complete with black shiny shoes and matching hat._

"_Eeeeeeekkk!" Toshiro squealed in excited anticipation._

"Oh, it fits perfectly Captain."

"Rangiku?"

"Yes, I know, now try this…"

"Rangiku."

"It's a lovely nurse's outfit!"

"Look Lieutenant; I'm as accepting of cross-dressers as anyone, heck, I quite like doing it myself! But now is not the time; weren't we supposed to be sneaking out under my dear subordinates nose?" reminded a confused Kyoraku.

"Oh yes," said Rangiku remembering her surroundings. "I forgot about you. Come on; let's ditch this dump!"

"I think it's a rather fashionable roo…" the Captain started to sulk but was stopped mid-sentence when he was pulled out of the building by the front of his uniform.

**11.11.11**

Sighing Nanao rubbed her tired eyes. Usually she dreamt of this type of situation all day long; in the middle of the day she dreaded waking her Captain up, in the afternoon she cursed him for being lazy and in the early hours of the morning while she was scrapping him off the stool of the bar where he had fallen into a drunken stupor, she would curse her luck at being paired with this drunken sexist idiot who called himself her Captain while trying to look down at her cleavage. But now that she was alone and he was being looked after by someone else, Ise Nanao found that she didn't know what to do.

She had started off training, as combat was her weakest point, but without her Captain there to give her pointers, she didn't know if she was doing well or not. So she had tried to do paperwork, but without her Captain there making a loud nuisance of himself she found it very lonely and boring. In the end she had decided to go to the library and read a book with her friend Momo, but her reading buddy wasn't there and it was too nice a day to be stuck in the library by herself.

Nanao was at a loss, she had no idea how to spend her time without her Captain there, with another sigh she readjusted her glasses before reaching a decision; she would go and break up captain Kyoraku's little drinking party, she would say it was because they were being too noisy…_no, _she shook her head _it __**is**__ because they're being too noisy, why else would it be, you don't want to stop them having fun to be spiteful, and you definitely don't want your Captain's attention back on yourself because you miss him or anything; why that's just…it's just…_

"Absurd!" she yelled before turning bright pink as everyone in the library glared at her. Bowing quickly she made a hasty exit, now that she was on her way back to the barracks she was debating whether to send Rangiku back to her own squad or to let the two keep on drinking while she just sat quietly in a corner and read.

_I'll let them have their fun, _she concluded as she slid open the door to her Captain's office. _After all I'm not a monst…_

Lieutenant Ise Nanao was known for three things, one was that she had a habit of carrying a heavy book with her at all times (some though it was for show, others thought it was her Bankai), another was that she was the only lieutenant who could completely control their Captain (Lieutenant Kusajishi is almost able to do it, but Captain Zaraki still puts her in time out when she goes too far) but the thing she was most famous for was her glare (there was a popular rumour circulating Seireitei that Aizen was defeated when he saw Nanao with her glasses off).

Nothing had been proven of course but the look she had on her face as she surveyed the messy, broken, uninhabited room in front of her was the reason why Rangiku had started the rumour in the first place. Without saying a word Nanao swept out of the room, as she walked down the corridor people ran from her path, her eyes like laser beams searching for any clue as to where the two miscreants were.

Poking her head out of the window Rangiku watched as Nanao's back turned the corner into the road leading away from the Barracks. Withdrawing her head she turned to Captain Kyoraku who was shivering in a hunched up ball beside her.

"Don't worry Captain, she's gone now, we're free!"

This did nothing to settle him as he continued to rock back and forth with his thumb in his mouth muttering, "She's going to kill me, that Reiatsu; she's hungry! Hungry for bloooood!"

"There, there Captain," Rangiku sighed as she patted the terrified man on the back. "I know what'll cheer you up. Let's go and get completely smashed!"

As she dragged a still muttering Kyoraku into the street Rangiku had a brilliant idea, or at least it seemed like one in her drunken state. She decided to 'kill two birds with one stone' as they said in the world of the living. She would not only find out if Captain 'Flower-Power' was Captain 'Spiky-Head''s secret lover, she would also investigate Captain 'Creepy-Pants' and Lieutenant 'Creepy-Pants-in-Training-Who-Just-Needs-to-Master-the-Art-of-Face-Paint'. '_Note to self_' she thought '_Come up with shorter nicknames!_' Shaking her head she started off in the direction of the 'Creepy-Ass-Building-That-Housed-The-Creepy-Assed-People-With-Their-Creepy-Assed-Personallities'.

She rounded the corner to the main laboratory where she was sure she would find her two targets. Rangiku came to a sudden stop when she found the place in complete disarray. People were running around like headless chickens, paper was flying everywhere, random men and women in white coats were barking out orders and one lady was standing in the middle of all the commotion screaming "Won't somebody please think of the children?"

Luckily all of this snapped Kyoraku out of his 'She's going to kill me' mantra. Looking around he grabbed a passing guy in a lab coat who was running with a cactus and a rubber band in his arms. "Hey there my good fellow," said Kyoraku in his usual laid back voice. "Mind telling me what's going on here?"

"Oh yes," replied the man in a surprisingly calm voice. "We're just having a drill, happens every day you know, so we know what to do in case of an emergency."

"I see but if it's just a drill and you do it every day why is everyone so panicked?"

The Captain was given a strange look by the man as though he thought he was mad. "Well," the man said slowly as if talking to a child. "We have to panic because we need to create an accurate simulation of what a real emergency would be like, otherwise there'd be no point in doing it would there?"

While Kyoraku shook his head in disbelief of this logic the lieutenant piped up "If you do this every day how do you find the time to get any work done?"

"We don't really," was the response. "That's why we always take so long doing anything, now if you'll excuse me I have to get my 'It's the end of the world' plaque." With that he ran screaming into the nearest building.

Kyoraku turned to Rangiku "Now I know that I'm drunk, so that might explain it, but this doesn't really make any sense to me."

"Really, I think it makes perfect sense, now come on, let's find the two Kurotsuchi's."

Shaking his head the flowery Captain followed the busty woman into the huge lab, in the centre they found the Captain typing away on his organ like keyboard.

"Captain Kurotsuchi," squealed Rangiku in false surprise. "Imagine seeing you here."

The clicking of the keys stopped and the chair turned around, Rangiku and Kyoraku were met with the terrifying face of the Twelfth Division's Captain, funny Lion King hair style and all.

"What do you want?" he snarled. "I am in the middle of a very important experiment here."

"Forgive me for saying so Myuri," said the Eight Division Captain. "But to me it looks like you're playing World of Warcraft."

"It's a very important raid…a research raid!"

Rangiku peered at the monitor, "Captain is that an Espada you're playing against?"

"For the last time it's a research raid, I'm not playing," he snapped angrily. "It just so happens that the opponent I'm raiding is Szayel-Aporro Granz."

At the confused look of the Lieutenant, Kyoraku whispered in her ear. "They've had a grudge match going on ever since they met; it's been a cyber-war. They've battled using WoW, Pockie Ninja, internet ping-pong and Moshi Monsters. Myuri's still sore because he keeps loosing."

"I do not keep loosing," screamed the deranged scientist. "He just keeps cheating!"

"Well why don't you cheat back?" asked Rangiku.

"Because that's not how you're supposed to play."

"It's because Granz is better at hacking than he is." Whispered Kyoraku.

"AAAHHHHHH DAMN IT! Lost again! It's all your fault." Myuri screeched accusingly, pointing a long finger at the two. "If you hadn't interrupted my concentration I would have been fine. Now, how to punish you…I know! Why don't I show you a new drug I've been testing, it's to _die_ for."

"No thank Myuri," laughed Kyoraku while looking around. "Say where's you're pretty Lieutenant?"

"She at one of those meetings of hers, I don't really care. But why are you here, can't you go and bother someone else?"

"We've decided that you need to loosen up more, have some fun," giggled Rangiku as she hooked her arm round Kurotsuchi's neck, a bottle of Sake in her hand. "Why don't you have a little drink with us?"

The scientist gave her a look of disgust. "Why on earth would I do something so idiotic and unsophisticated as drinking until I could no longer think properly?"

"Because it's fun." Laughed the lieutenant.

Kyoraku shook his head "Forget it 'Giku the old Kraut wouldn't know fun if it came up and gave him a lap dance."

"Hey, I know how to do something as idiotic as fun, I just find it beneath me."

"Really, I bet you're idea of fun is dissecting someone."

"Well that is fun, however I do know how to have the kind of fun you're talking about too, I was young once."

"Nooooo," gasped Rangiku disbelievingly. "You were?"

"Of course I was!"

"Then prove it," smiled the other Captain. "Show us that you're human, or are you all talk and no drink?"

"Fine, I'll do it, but just to teach you a lesson." Snatching the Sake bottle out of the Lieutenants hand Myuri hesitantly took a sip.

**11.11.11**

Three hours later Myuri was singing 'Life is a boat', completely naked, except for his pants, which he was wearing on his head. "Nobody knows who I really am, maybe they just don't give a damn…" he stopped singing and pulled a passing girl onto his lap. "It's true," he sniffed to the woman. "Nobody does give a damn about how I feel. Everyone says 'oh look there's creepy Myuri, he doesn't have a heart, he doesn't have feelings, we can just say what we like about him because he won't get upset.' WELL I DO! I cry myself to sleep every night because I have nobody to share my bed with, nobody to love…Can a-ny-bo-dy, find meee-ee-ee somebody too-oo loooovve?..." As he burst into a Queen song Rangiku finally decided that he could be removed from the list as he had just admitted that he slept alone every night.

The Lieutenant herself was part of a conga line that had just formed full of drunken Squad Twelve members (the reason that everyone was now drunk is that about an hour ago a hiccupping Kurotsuchi had ordered his whole Squad to "get totally off your faces!").

Myuri took another drink and fell off his chair, crushing the poor girl who he had pulled onto his lap. "Wooopsey," he laughed picking himself up. "It seems like you've had a little too much to drink." He scolded wagging his finger at the girl who was now unconscious. "Ohhhh a conga line!"

He joined the line witch now contained all the members of the Squad who were still conscious, said line danced its way out of the Lab and into the street where they came across Byakuya Kuchiki Singing 'Dancing Queen' in the middle of the road. The line stopped dancing as everyone started to encircle the deranged Captain. However he was soon joined as Myuri started singing and dancing too "Anybody could be that guy, the night is young and the music's hig-gh, with a bit of rock mu-sic…"

More and more people started to watch the strange phenomena and pretty soon nearly the whole of Seireitei had congregated to observe the bazar spectacle.

The two Captains had fallen out when Myuri stood on Byakuya's foot while they were dancing to 'Hit me Baby One More Time' and now they were have a heated 'Yo Mama' fight. Rukia was shouting encouragement to her brother while Nemu was calling out suggestions to her Captain/father.

"'Yo mama thought you were so ugly that when you came out, she tried to push you back in!" Yelled Captain Kuchiki.

"Oh yeah well 'Yo Mama's so ugly that Charlotte Coolhorn went daaaanng!"

"Yo Mama so stupid she thought Nnnoitra Gilga looked like a fork!"

"Well 'Yo Mama…"

"How long has this been going on for?" Enquired Captain Ukitake.

"I don't know but they seem to be really enjoying it don't they?" replied Lady Yoruichi.

"Should we stop them?" Asked a worried Captain Hitsugaya.

"No do-don't do th-that, it's just get-ing intrestin'" laughed Captain Zaraki, gasping for breath.

"It looks like the decision has just been taken out of our hands, look." Said Captain Komamura, pointing into the middle of the clearing where Captain Kuchiki had just punched Captain Kurotsuchi in the face after Kurotsuchi said his mother gave Captain Ichimaru a blow job.

Deciding to get revenge, Captain Kuchiki addressed the audience. "Does anyone want to know why Captain Kurotsuchi used to wear that weird hat that made him look like a rabbit with bent ears? It's because he was convinced that there were little people that went around the sky, putting the stars up at night, so he used the hat as a boomerang to try and catch them!"

He was quite happy with the laughs and applause he got, so happy in fact that he decided to please everyone more. "I know loads of secrets about my fellow Captains; did you know that Captain Zaraki wanted to become a ballet dancer? He still has the pink Tutu and ballet slippers in his wardrobe now!"

Kenpachi stopped laughing and turned bright pink when everyone turned to stare at him. "He's lying obviously, why would I…I don't even…I'm gonna kill him!"

With that Captain Zaraki pulled out his zanpakuto and ran after Captain Kuchiki, he was soon followed by all the other Captains as the Head of the Kuchiki Clan started telling stories about all of them.

He was finally stopped, much to Rangiku's disappointment, by Captain Unohana and then dragged off by his grandfather. However Lieutenant Matsumoto didn't stay to see her comrade arrested, instead she realised that she had left quite a lot of alcohol back in the laboratory and so she unsteadily shunpoed her way back and drank a bit more before passing out on a gurney.

**11.11.11**

**Well there you go, phew, chapter five is finally over, the length is to make up for the long waiting time (quantity not quality that's my motto), I really didn't enjoy writing Kyoraku very much as I don't really know him that well, I don't dislike him, I just don't really like him (you can probably tell from the deterioration of writing style in this chapter). **

**Someday I might revisit this chapter and try and make it more legible but I want to post it so you can read it and so I can get onto the next chapter witch I'm looking forward to writing more (in fact I am already about a third of the way through it).**

**Well done if you got any of the references, if you did tell me so I know what sort of things you guys know and which you don't.**

**There's something else I need to say but I can't remember what it was…oh well if I remember I'll say it some other time!**

**Th-th-th-that's all Folks!**


	6. Help From The Enemy

**7. Help From The Enemy**

**Did you not like the last chapter, only I didn't get many reviews, I know that it wasn't my best and I went a bit, well OK a lot, over the top with Byakuya's character, but it was alright wasn't it?**

**Anywho, you have a treat this chapter; we have the Espada joining us, yay! I tried out a pairing this chapter, I wanted something that no one had done before so there is a good chance that you won't like it, however remember that this is a comedy and although I try to make the characters act close to what they normally would, I still have artistic licence.**

**I totally own Bleach…yeah only kidding.**

**Enjoy!**

"We need help." sighed Yumichika.

"Definitely." agreed Ikkaku.

"Awwwww," sniffed Rangiku, "I liked it when it was just the three of us working together."

"Yes, well, you'll just have to grin and bear it," smirked the Fifth Seat. "Besides, we don't really need to tell people what they're helping us with." he smiled evilly.

"Riiiigghht," said Ikkaku. "So tell me, how are we going to ask someone who they think our Captain is sleeping with, without revealing that we're looking for the person that our Captain is sleeping with?"

"Sarcasm is an ugly form of humour Ikkaku; don't use it. Besides, it's easy! All we need to say is that there is a long black hair whose owner needs to be found for some reason!"

As the narcissist was explaining this Lieutenant Matsumoto was becoming steadily more excited until she could contain her idea no more. "OK, I have it!"

"Have what," moaned the Third Seat, "It's not contagious is it? Hahahahaha!" he laughed uncontrollably at his own wit while the other two starred at him, completely unamused. "Hahaha...WHAT?"

His two friends gave each other a look before the woman in their group continued. "Well, which person in the world is closest to Captain Zaraki?"

"His hairdresser?"

"His tailor?"

"No , it's…" she was cut off however as the two men continued.

"The Head-Captain."

"His dentist."

"Erm, guys…?" it seemed to have turned into a competition.

"His lover."

"His mother."

"Ichigo!"

"US!"

"What? No no no no. Honestly do you two know your Captain at all? He's closest to Lieutenant Kusajishi!"

"Ohhhhhhh..." the two men gave understanding nods.

"I'm sorry Rangiku," Yumichika apologised. "It's just that we're so used to seeing the Captain and the Lieutenant together it's like they're the same person!"

"Yeah," agreed Ikkaku. "Actually it's hard to think of one without the other somewhere near."

That said, all three went into deep thoughts, trying to picture the two alone. Ikkaku shuddered, "You see, it just doesn't work."

"Well, whatever," shrugged the Lieutenant. "If anyone knows the identity of Captain Zaraki's secret lover it'll be Yachiru."

**11.11.11**

"Hi there Yachiru."

"Oh, hi big boobies." the pink haired Soul Reaper glanced behind her briefly to acknowledge her fellow lieutenant before turning back to her drawing.

Rangiku slid the door to the small girl's bedroom closed behind her and made her way over to the child. "Ohhh, you're drawing? How ador..." She had moved around so she could see the artistic escapades of her friend only to be shocked into silence. "...Is that...a severed head?"

The girl nodded happily "Yup, and that's that guy's kidneys and that's that guy's brain and that's that guy's fibula!"

"And that's your Captain is it? Drinking Sake out of that man's skull?"

"Uh huh, that's Ken-chan alright!"

"How...precious," smiled a slightly woozy Matsumoto. "Talking about your Captain, have you noticed him acting strangely lately?"

"Who? Ken-chan? Nuh-uh."

Rangiku noticed that the mood in the room seemed to change and the spiritual pressure emanating from Yachiru suddenly became menacing.

"Why, what's wrong with Ken-chan?"

"Oh nothing, nothing." quickly changing the topic of conversation Rangiku asked. "Do you know anyone with long black hair?"

This seemed to work because before she knew it every trace of the small girl's spiritual pressure was gone.

"Huh? Black hair, hummmm, well..."

"Yes?"

"What about Byakuchiki."

"No, it's not him."

"Emo-chan?"

"Not hers."

"Frigid midget Bitch?"

"She was the second one we tried...we need someone outside of Soul Society, someone strong and good at fighting."

"Why?"

"Ermm because..." she struggled to come up with a plausible story. "...because we found a hair in...my Captain's bed...and we want to know who it belongs to." she finished in a rush.

"Why do you want to know that?"

"So we can find out who he's sleeping with, obviously."

"Oh...why would someone want to sleep with Snowflake?"

"I don't know why but someone does and I'm going to find out who!"

"Cool, well...how about...um...SPOON MAN!"

"Spoon man?"

"Yep, he's an Espada and he has long black hair and an eye patch and loves fighting almost as much as Ken-chan!"

"Oh he does, does he?" she smiled evilly. "Anyone else."

"Ummm, well there's that guy Ichi fought, what was his name? Ul...Ulqui...that's it he's called Ulqui!"

"And he has long black hair?"

"Well I was talking to jiggles and she said when those two fought, Ulqui turned into a bat and his hair grew really long!" she spread her arms to show her interpretation of this fact.

"Wow, OK any other Espada?"

The girl thought for a moment. "No, I don't think so."

"Well thank you so much Lieutenant; you really helped."

"Anytime Mega boobies,"

Lieutenant Matsumoto exited the room.

Yachiru smiled darkly "Anytime."

**11.11.11**

"Explain to me why we're doing this again." asked an exasperated Ikkaku.

"Because the Lieutenant said that we need to do research on two of the Espada, so that's what we're going to do." his effeminate friend answered.

"Fine but why is Renji coming along?" the bald man pointed to the tattooed red-head standing behind him.

"Hey!" said Renji in an offended tone, "At least pretend to be glad I'm here!"

"Whatever," responded a bored Ikkaku before turning back to Yumichika. "So why?"

"Because he's the only one who knows the layout of Hueco Mundo, none of us have actually been there, we only battled in the fake world of the living and only Renji and Rukia actually followed Ichigo and his band of merry idiots into the land of the hollows. Which is something no Soul reaper in their right mind would do!"

"Hey!" said Renji again starting to feel hurt now, "Stop making out like I'm an unwanted idiot or I'll leave; we'll see how well you fair in an unknown world full of soul eating monsters on you own then, shall we?"

"Alright, alright, keep your pants on," drawled the Third Seat. "Jeez were you this much of a bitch when I was training you?"

"OK boys are you ready?"

"Where have you been Rangiku; we've been waiting here for ages!"

"Alright, keep your hair on baldy."

"That's not funny ya know."

"Yes it is...now, I've made all the necessary arrangements, Squad Twelve is opening up a Garganta to Las Noches castle as we speak."

"How have you managed that?" asked a curious Renji.

"Simple; I told Myuri that Szayel-Aporro said 'the Captain of Squad Twelve couldn't open the door to his own laboratory, let alone create a passage into the middle of Lord Aizen's stronghold.' Of course he had to prove Szayel wrong and completed it in one night!"

As the band of four set off on their mission, they failed to notice the figure that was silently following them.

**11.11.11**

Grimmjow was bored B.O.R.E.D bored. Ever since the Winter war in which both sides had been severely injured and exhausted, Aizen had spent more and more time stuck in his room, when anyone asked what the Great Aizen-sama was doing in there, Gin or Tousen would say "Strategizing", which everyone knew was code for 'Sulking like a baby'. As for the Espada, they had nothing to do; they couldn't train because of orders from the only competent, even if only self-taught, physician in the land of the Hollows Szayel-Aporro Granz. He had told them, after healing the majority of their wounds, that they needed time to heal or they would open up again and he "Won't waste my valuable time treating idiots who don't have the brain power to stay alive." That being said when Nnoitra inevitably ignored his doctor's commands and opened up his two huge chest wounds when trying to limbo dance, Szayel-Aporro had fixed him up, even though it was only because Tesla had begged him to and Szayel couldn't say no to Tesla who he found too damned cute when worried.

Each of the Espada dealt with their new found freedom in different ways, Lilynette was being taught how to be a lady by Harribel's fraccion (it wasn't going very well, as all she had learnt so far was all the different ways you could insult another female).

Starrk was spending all his time under the numerous cushions in his room and hadn't been sighted for a week after the war (some, including his other half had thought him dead).

Harribel was learning how to cook (which caused much unrest amongst her fellows, especially in their stomachs).

Baraggan was learning Spanish dancing from Dordonii (much to everyone's amusement)

Ulquiorra had become addicted to travelling to the world of the living (only Harribel knew it was so he could watch something called anime and read something called Manga and that he was currently studying the phenomena known as Death Note which he said "Holds interesting information about our Shinigami enemies" All of which meant nothing to Harribel of course who had just nodded and carried on with her poisonous looking soufflé).

Nnoitra had also taken to disappearing for hours and when he came back he was relaxed and had a silly smile on his face (whenever questioned about where he went he would blush furiously and splutter foul language at the person who had asked, but when he was seen with a pair of black thongs, even Tesla stopped trying to figure out the mystery).

Szayel-Aporro Granz was in his laboratory as usual.

Aaroniero and Yammy were the only Espada who had actually been killed in the Winter war and Zommari had disappeared (some were cooking up hugely fanciful stories about what had happened to him, for example him being the first Arrancar in space, him being recruited by the world of the living police force to capture fast criminals, others like Ulquiorra just thought him to be dead and buried under rubble somewhere) .

Grimmjow had taken to prowling the corridors of late, bullying anyone he saw and annoying anyone he couldn't bully. All in all everyone was becoming bored with doing nothing; even Starrk had been seen doing exercises spontaneously, without being told to!

So it was to Grimmjow's great relief that, as he was making his usual moody rounds of the corridors, he saw something interesting, namely a bunch of Soul Reapers, apparently lost in the middle of Las Noches.

"I'm sure it's a left here." said the one with the red spiky hair.

"Really?" scoffed the bald one. "Only you were _sure _about that door that lead us into a swamp."

"Yeah, thanks for that." sniffed a woman who was covered in fouls smelling liquid.

Grimmjow giggled, little did the intruders know that what they had walked into was not a swamp, but was in fact where Baraggan liked to bathe.

"Well we can't stand around all day." the final member of the group said.

"Yumichika's right, we have to go somewhere."

"OK Ikkaku, I say we go this way!" the red head pointed to a corridor on the right.

Grimmjow made a sucking sound through his teeth, "Ohhh, I wouldn't go that way if I were you; it leads to where I keep my pets."

All five Soul Reapers jumped and whipped around to see an Espada with electric blue hair standing right behind him with his hands in his pockets and a slight smirk on his face.

"Who are you? What do you want?" shrieked Yumichika in a very shrill voice.

The Espada gave him a weird look, "I thought you were a chick."

"Excuse me?" was the spluttered response.

"Ah well," sighed the hollow. "You look pretty fit either way."

The narcissist went bright red and with a small smile tilted his head as if to say 'I know'.

"Not too bad yourself." he winked.

While this exchange was going on the other four were looking back and forth incredulously.

"Wow, wow, wow..." interrupted Ikkaku once he'd had enough. "Look...guy…"

"Grimmjow, Grimmjow Jeagerjaques, some call me the_ beast_ of Las Noches." he grinned at Yumichika, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"I bet they do!"

"Hey, hey, will ya stop that," cried Renji. "It's really creepy, I mean really, yuch." he pulled a face to emphasise his point.

"Fine hot head," Grimmjow turned his scowl into a cheeky grin again. "I'll try and behave."

"Stop giggling like that Yumichika!" snapped Rangiku who was annoyed that she wasn't the one being hit on.

"So are you going to help us _Espada_?" growled a pissed off Renji.

"Sure I guess," he shrugged. "Got nothin' better ta do."

As Grimmjow started to lead the gang of Soul Reapers through the castle a little pink head poked out from behind a wall.

"It's play time." giggle Yachiru menacingly.

**11.11.11**

"Hey Harribel, have you seen my right shoe?"

"No Nnoitra I have not, now please leave me to cook dinner in peace."

"But I could have sworn I lost it in here." the tall Espada whined as he searched through the kitchen in search of the missing slipper.

"It is probably in your room somewhere, have you checked under your bed?"

"Yes."

"And your bathroom?"

"Yes."

"And in wherever it is you disappear to every day?"

"...Yes."

"Really?"

"...No, but I'm sure it's in here." he slumped onto the nearest chair and banged his forehead against the table.

"Well sulking about it won't help, why don't you..."

She would have continued but at that moment she was interrupted by Starrk who came running into the room, almost falling onto the table. He stopped himself from doing so however and proceeded to jog on the spot.

"Hey have-either-of-you-seen-an-energy-drink?"

"What?" asked Tier slightly shocked at the energy the usually lazy Starrk was portraying.

"I-just-reeeeeaaaalllllly need-an-energy-drink-right-now."

"You'll have to slow down bro, I didn't hear a fucking thing you just said." said a bemused Nnoitra.

"Don't use-language-like-that; it's bad...it's a bad, bad word, wash your soap out with mouth!"

"Are you alright Coyote? You're acting a little strangely." soothed Harribel.

"Yeah-yeah, I'm fine, why-wouldn't-I-be?"

"Hey Starrk," laughed the lanky Espada. "Say Babbling Bumbling Band of Baboons over and over!"

"Babbling-bumbling-band-of-baboons-babbling-bumbling-band-of-baboons-babbling-bumbling-band-of-b..."

"Alright Starrk that's enough, Nnoitra stop teasing him." Tier folded her arms and looked back to the Primera. "Don't listen to a word Nnoitra says..."

"Hey!"

"...Just do what _I _say, now...recite She Sells Sea Shells!"

"She-sells-sea-shells-on-the-sea-shore-the-shells-she-sells-are-sea-shells-I'm-sure"

Nnoitra gave an impressed "ahh" of wonder.

"So why ya' actin' like this Starrk?" he asked eventually.

"Acting-like-what, I'm-not acting-like-anything."

At the confused look on Nnoitra's, face Harribel came to his rescue.

"Have you been drinking coffee again? I told you after the last incident; you are banned from coffee."

The tall man snickered "Yeah, I think Tousen's still tryin' ta' get over that whole incident with the teapot."

"Coffee, me, what, coffee, no! As if I'd ever touch that juice of life again...that sweet, sweet aroma, the way fumes enter your body and fill you up, the way the steam curves seductively in the air..." he started daydreaming with his eyes closed, "Don't worry baby, we're alone now, no nasty Tier to interrupt us again, that's right, cuddle up to me. What's that, you want to what? Ohhohoho, no we shouldn't, no! Oh all right then..." he then made strange slurping noises, while cupping his hands around an invisible mug of coffee he was holding to his lips.

Nnoitra and Harribel looked at each other with alarm, Tier nodded towards the door and they both exited as silently and as quickly as they could, leaving Starrk to have some 'alone time' with his make-believe beverage. After about ten minutes Coyote came out of his trance and back to the real world, looking around he realised that he was alone, shrugging his shoulders, he went over to the pot of soup Harribel was making and stuck a spoon in to have a taste. Out with a spoon full of blue liquid however, came a long chord like thing, when he pulled it, an entire shoe came out of the concoction. Utterly confused and feeling rather ill, Starrk let the shoe drop back into the soup and left without trying any.

**11.11.11**

"You know why my aspect of death is destruction don't you?"

"No."

"It's because I utterly destroy everything in the room when I'm fucking someone."

Yumichika giggled more as Grimmjow slipped an arm around his waist.

"Ya know something else? I've got a terrible habit of biting." he nibbled the other man's ear.

"Guy's seriously! We're still here you know!" came an indignant yell from behind the two.

Growling slightly Grimmjow swung around to face the unwelcome tag alongs. "If you want to go wondering around here on your own, be my guest, in fact I'd prefer it that way, then I could do my thing without interruption!"

"Look," snapped back Ikkaku in irritation. "We'd love to leave you; we have absolutely no desire to watch you 'do your thing'. But we have to follow you because you said you'd show us the way and that's our friend you've been seducing right in front of us, so we need to make sure he's safe!"

Smirking, the Espada gave a bark of laughter. "'_You gotta make sure he's safe?_' What are you twelve? Look he's a big boy now; he can make decisions on his own, without his mother breathing down his neck. So back off will ya'?"

"whaddya' mean his mother do I look like I wear a dress to you?"

"Well if the shoe fits…"

"You're one to talk, why I…"

"ENOUGH!" roared Renji, making everyone jump. "This is getting us nowhere. If we can't play like nice boys and girls we'll have to split up, Yumichika and Rangiku can go and look for this Ulqui person and Ikkaku, the Espada and I will look for the spoon man."

This was not a very popular idea, as the red-head was bombarded with arguments.

"What do you mean me and Yumichika, I'm not talking to that snob!"

"Are you kidding, why don't we just kill the Espada; we don't even need him!"

"I'm not going with Matsumoto; she's lazy, she'll just slow me down!"

"I ain't goin' anywhere and I ain't helpin' any of you if I'm not with Yumi!"

Renji quickly held up his hands in defeat. "Ok,Ok, I'm sorry, I was just trying to help, we don't have to split up, we just need to calm down a bit. 'Cmon you guys; if we keep on making this much noise Aizen'll be sure to hear us."

This shut the three Soul Reapers up instantly but Grimmjow just snorted. "Yeah right, look, the Great and powerful Aizen-sama doesn't even know the time of day anymore! He wouldn't notice you guys if walked into his room and did the strip-tease right in front of him!"

Everyone starred at him in disbelief.

"Really?" asked Yumichika incredulously.

"Really! He just spends all his time locked in his room, drinking tea and talking to a silver framed picture of Ulquiorra he has on his bedside table."

Rangiku shook her head in in confusion. "I don't understand; how did this happen, when did Aizen loose it?"

Grimmjow thought for a moment. "It started about a week after the Winter war. One day we go down for our daily meeting and Ichimaru's there telling us to go back to bed 'cause Lord Aizen's ill. Well, we haven't seen him since, it's a complete mystery to us, he doesn't even let his two lackeys see him anymore; they have to leave his food outside his door."

"How did he get like that," wondered Renji aloud. "I mean what could have happened?"

"No one knows," came the reply. "The last person to see him was Ulquiorra and he refuses to tell anyone what Aizen-sama said."

"Interesting," mussed Yumichika, stroking his chin. "Well, let's go find this Ulquiorra and interrogate him ourselves."

"Just one more thing, what is Ichimaru doing with himself these days?" Rangiku's unusual silence was broken as she asked the question as nonchalantly as possible.

Grimmjow frowned and shrugged. "I dunno', the usual I suppose, going round and playing pranks on people. Oh yeah…I think it was last week, he stuck a 'Kick Me' sign on Tousen's back and we were all kicking him and running away before he could react. But I did it and he turned around fast…I managed to get away though, Ulquiorra wasn't as lucky; he was behind me, just walking along and Tousen blames him and runs around Las Noches trying to kill him with his zanpakuto! Ah…good times." The blue haired man smiles at the memory before coming back to reality. Flinging an arm around Yumichika's shoulders again, he turns to leave. "Well come on, we got Espada to find!"

**11.11.11**

Ulquiorra was thinking, Ulquiorra liked thinking…well no he didn't _like_ it, he didn't _like_ anything in particular. It was more that he could not see the harm in thinking and it was easy enough to do, he just let his mind wonder.

At the moment he was thinking about the latest manga he was reading. He found manga fascinating, Ulquiorra had thought he was quite knowledgeable about the world of the living, but ever since he started reading those books, he had begun to realise how very little he actually knew. For example; before Death Note he had no idea that Shinigami killed humans in order to elongate their existence (and they killed hollows for doing the same, those hypocrites!), before Fullmetal Alchemist he didn't know that humans could trans mutate things, before Soul Eater he thought that cats in the world of the living were just cats and before Howl's Moving Castle he had naively assumed that all buildings remained on the ground. '_How very little I know_' he thought to himself as he walked along a corridor towards the library where he found himself spending most of his time.

When he opened the door he went straight to his reading table and picked up his latest manga 'Kuroshitsuji' or 'Black Butler' as it was sometimes called. Ulquiorra was reading about this new phenomenon while debating whether a demon would find the soul of a hollow tempting enough to eat. This in turn lead to the question: do hollows have souls? The most obvious answer was no, they don't, but it was questionable. '_I mean, the lowly hollows of Gillian and lower obviously do not,_' he thought. '_But surly once a being starts to think and feel again, like a Vasto Lorde, that would mean that they possess a soul wouldn't it?_'

Unbeknownst to him, he was being watched, a pair of eyes were staring at the back of his head from behind a bookshelf.

Deciding he needed to know more details on how to form a contract he turned his attention back to the manga in his hands. '_A dress? Well I did not know that members of the British Aristocracy were cross-dressers, I wonder if…_' He froze. He had just heard something, it was small, a sort of muffled giggle, any lesser being wouldn't have noticed it, but not Ulquiorra; he had the ears of a bat. However there was no noise anymore, but there had been something, he looked down at the book again and turned the page, though he was only pretending to read, in reality his attention was diverted to listening for any sound. There was nothing, not a breath, not a whisper. Ulquiorra's face was as impassive as ever as his eyes skimmed the pages in front of him but his every sense was tuned in to the world around him. There was still nothing, but there was definitely a noise before, what was it, a rat? He doubted it, although there were small animals in Hueco Mundo, they were scavenges that fed off the Reiatsu in the air and fled at the sight of a superior being, the only animals that were unlucky enough to find themselves in Las Noches, surrounded by the most powerful hollows in the world were the wild big cats that Grimmjow kept a 'secret' in his room and the dog that used to follow Yammy around.

Ulquiorra had just decided to carry on reading, but to make sure he had his sword handy, when heard a noise again. There was no mistaking it that time, he had definitely, without a doubt heard a sound somewhere in front of him!

He peered over the top of his book.

He starred at the thing.

The thing starred back.

He blinked slowly.

The thing's face split into a huge grin.

Ulquiorra did not change his expression.

The thing laughed. "Ha ha! I've found a new friend to play with, my name's Yachiru, what's yours?"

"Ulquiorra Schiffer."

"Really?" the little girl starred at him in awe. "You're the one who fought Ichi!"

He blinked blankly; Ichi? Assuming that the thing meant Ichigo Kurosaki he answered. "Yes."

Deeming that the thing in front of him was not a hollow, Ulquiorra wondered what to do with it, should he kill it? Should he not? Did it have a purpose in this place? Did it have accomplices? It probably did and in that case he should find and arrest them also.

"…the bubbly, bubbly thing. Did you ever see her do the bubbly, bubbly thing? I didn't, 'cause…"

"Thing," Ulquiorra interrupted.

"Who me?"

"Yes you, what are you and why are you here?"

"Ok," she huffed slightly annoyed. "First off I'm not a thing; I already told you, my name is Yachiru. I'm a Soul Reaper and I came here to do one thing."

A Soul Reaper! Ulquiorra tensed, his hand hovering over his sword hilt, ready to jump up and draw it at a moment's notice. "And what is that?"

The girl looked at him seriously. "I came to have fun!" she laughed. Then looked at the man again. "You know what Ulqui..."

"Ulquiorra."

"…you need to smile a bit more, you look like Byakushki, hey! Do you have any sweeties?"

"No."

"Awww." The girl looked a bit down hearted for a second but returned to her usual buoyant self a moment later. "Why don't we play a game? I love games, let's see there's tag, football, hide and seek…"

While she was listing the fun activities they could do Ulquiorra was thinking of what to do. His cold, logical, calculating brain came up with the best solution in seconds: he should take her to see Aizen-sama! He would know what to do.

"…hockey, volleyball, tennis, po…what you doin' Ulqui?" the tiny Soul Reaper asked as Ulquiorra rose from his chair.

"My name is Ulquiorra and I am taking you to Lord Aizen."

Contrary to what he was expecting, the child's face lit up into a look of joy. "Yay! I haven't seen glasses-chan in ages! But he broke his glasses, so he's not Glasses-chan anymore." She concluded moodily as if Aizen's change of fashion style had been the biggest betrayal of all.

Looking up she found Ulquiorra was standing there, staring stoically down, waiting for her to follow him.

"Wow, you're better at that than Byakushki."

"Better at what?"

"Better at looking like you don't feel anything." She started to follow the Espada out the door and down the corridor.

"I don't."

"You don't? Not a thing?"

"No."

"Not happy, or cheerful, or…smillie?"

"They are all the same thing and besides 'smilie' is not a real word."

"Of course it is, it…"

This carried on until they arrived at Sousuke Aizen's room.

Sensing the powerful presence of the former Captain, Yachiru stopped talking and looked at the door with a look of determination on her face.

Seeing this, Ulquiorra knocked smartly on the door three times.

"What is it?" came a muffled voice.

"Aizen-sama, I…"

"Ulquiorra! Is that you?"

"Yes, it is me. I came to ask you what…"

The door in front of them flew open to reveal a man that was hardly recognisable. Something had taken a terrible toll on Sousuke Aizen. His face was pale and wan, his hair was long and greasy and he currently had a duvet cover clutched around his obviously thin body. However, despite his terrible appearance, he had a look of pure joy on his face.

"Ulquiorra," he practically cried. "Come in, talk to me; I haven't seen you in ages! Ever since…well never mind that now, you're here, that's all that matt…oh." His smile faded slightly when he saw that the Espada was not alone. "What are you doing here Lieutenant Kusajishi?"

**11.11.11**

"Hey Nnoitra!"

Glancing at the door, Nnoitra Gilga grimaced in disgust.

"The fuck do you want Jaegerjaquez?"

The blue haired man ignored the obvious threat in the growled question and swaggered into the kitchen, momentarily distracted by Harribel's latest culinary masterpiece. The blue soup had long since been thrown at Stark's face in annoyance, so now she was trying to make an omelette for the hungry Lilynette while the aforementioned Stark was brushing his teeth repeatedly and using copious amounts of mouthwash to get rid of the taste of Nnoitra's shoe.

"What is that?" he asked dubiously.

Tier didn't look up from the frying pan. "It's omelette obviously."

"Yeah, but…is it supposed to be green?"

He then quickly changed the subject when the woman glared at him, for some reason only being able to see her eyes made her look more angry than any normal person would be able to look with their whole face uncovered. "Anyway, I think I know where Nnoitra's been…"

"HUM!"

Everyone in the kitchen turned towards the door where a grumpy looking Baraggan was pushing his way past a very murderous looking Szayel-Aporro.

It was obvious that the former was the one who had made the angry sounding noise. He swaggered into the room and sat heavily in his chair at the head of the table. "Someone make me my dinner…someone other than that woman." He added as an afterthought.

Although no one could see her face, everyone knew Harribel was seething as she slid the dubious looking omelette onto a plate with deathly calm, handed it to Lilynette and sat down at the table where she glared at the worried girl, until said girl took a bite. Holding back a shudder the younger half of the prima Espada forced herself to smile, this seemed to satisfy Harribel who looked away, giving Lilynette an opportunity to scrape the omelette into the bin Szayel was handing to her under the table.

After a minute of no movement Baraggan became angry again. "Well? Who's making my dinner?"

"You don't like my cooking." said Harribel.

"You think my food's too spicy." said Nnoitra.

"I don't cook." sighed Szayel.

"Aizen banned me from going anywhere near open flames after what happened last time." reminded Grimmjow.

"And I've lost my appetite for all things that go in my mouth." groaned Starrk, who had just slouched into the kitchen.

Looking around Baraggan frowned. "Then who usually cooks my meals?"

Tier sighed, "Ulquiorra, he's the only one who doesn't complain when you hand your meals back ten or twenty times."

"Oh, well then…where is he?"

"Who knows."

Shaking himself, Grimmjow remembered why he was there. "So…I know where Nnoitra disappears to every day."

This grabbed everyone's attention as they all turned to look at the Sixth Espada expectantly while Nnoitra snorted, "No you don't!"

"Yeah I do," insisted Grimmjow. "You go to the Soul Society don't you?"

There was a loud crash as Nnoitra fell off his chair. "What! H-h-how do you know?"

"Why would he do that?" asked Lilynette excitedly.

"Because," sniggered Grimmjow. "He's got a secret lover!"

The whole table gasped as they starred at the Fifth who just spluttered and gapped for a while before turning bright red.

"Oh my God he's telling the truth." said an amazed and slightly horrified Szayel-Aporro.

"A _Soul Reaper_?" asked Starrk. "Our mortal enemies? Our most hated of foes?"

"Yeah, but, it's not like that…" the poor man tried to protest.

Baraggan gasped, "So it's true!"

Looking around desperately, all Nnoitra could see were shocked faces and accusatory glares. It was too much for him, "Oh all right. It's true…it's all true…I'm in love with a Soul Reaper!" He burst into tears and ran out of the room.

So distraught was the lanky Espada, that he didn't notice the four Shinigami who had been listening to the conversation from outside the door.

As they watched his back, disappearing down the corridor, the four comrades turned to look at each other in amazement.

"Well, I never expected a confession that quickly." admitted a shocked Ikkaku.

"The poor man looked so distraught." cried Rangiku.

"It must be hard for them," agreed Yumichika. "Not being able to let the world know of their love, not only for fear of being outcast for their homosexuality but also out of the fear of being persecuted for their love between species!"

"Yeah," Renji shook his head. "That's just wrong man, it's just…wrong."

"Oh, I wish we could help them." moaned the Lieutenant of Squad Ten.

Yumichika's face lit up suddenly. "Maybe we can Rangiku…maybe we can."

**11.11.11**

"And then Ken-chan said 'No, no sweeties today, we gotta' get back so I can fight some Zanpakuto' and so we left the shop and went back to Seireitei and he said that we'd go back afterwards, but we didn't!" The little pink haired pouted and glared at the floor as if it had been the one who had refused to buy her sweets.

Ulquiorra found this quite interesting as there was nothing he could see offensive on the floor. '_Perhaps the child can see something there that I cannot._' He pondered.

"So Ulquiorra, how have you been, what has the favourite of all my dear children been up to?" asked Aizen who hadn't taken his eyes off the man since their reunion.

Looking up Ulquiorra nodded and proceeded to give a report on all the goings on of Hueco Mundo, after five minutes of Ulquiorra saying that basically nothing had happened, Yachiru became bored.

Deciding that Aizen's bed looked springy, she hopped of the sofa which she was sharing with the Espada and launched herself onto the matress. As soon as she did this, Aizen who had been sitting on the bed, went to sit next to his Fourth Espada instead.

She had been right, the mattress was indeed springy. Giggling, she started bouncing up and down. Her imagination took over and all of a sudden she was on the moon with Ken-chan, baldy and feather face and they were fighting off attacking aliens. But an alien sliced a hole into baldy's space suit and his head grew to three times its size before it exploded. Laughing at the image Yachiru rolled around on her back clutching at her sides.

Ulquiorra was once again starring at her, he just didn't understand what she was laughing about, having no emotions he did not understand why people laughed but he had learnt the basics of what was classed as 'funny'. However the miniature Shinigami was laughing for no reason that Ulquiorra could see, it was a complete mystery to him.

Frowning slightly at his Espada's lack of interest for him and slightly jealous of the way he kept on staring at the pink haired child, Aizen tried to gain Ulquiorra's attention once more. "So why exactly are you here Lieutenant? I've not gone mad you know; I know that we are enemies. If you don't give me a reasonable explanation for your presence in my domain I will torture and kill you."

The child looked at him. "Well isn't it obvious? I'm here 'cause I was bored silly." She shook her head, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Well luckily for you I shall make it so that you are never board again…Ulquiorra, kill her!"

"Yes Aizen-sama." He rose from his seat but Aizen quickly added.

"Oh and Ulquiorra? Once you have killed her, come back and we can _talk_ some more," he winked suggestively. "Only if you want to of course, I mean _I_ want to, but I want you to want it as much as I do. What I mean is…you are under no pressure, whenever you're ready, I'll be waiting for you."

The Espada blinked slowly '_What on earth is Aizen-sama talking about, why would I feel not ready to talk? I can talk._' The man shook his head in confusion as he pursued the running, giggling child through the corridors. '_He has been acting strangely ever since I told him that I would prefer a female companion than a male one. I have no idea why he suddenly burst into tears and locked himself in his room. I mean it is completely logical to want to go on a mission with a woman; they tend to think more and they are mostly rational, so they are usually able to follow orders. Whereas all males ever want to do is fight and swear intelligibly. His reaction just does not make sense to me. Emotions are confusing and they obviously make even the most rational and brilliant of minds completely illogical at times._

Yachiru was having fun running from the green eyed Espada, she had been growing tired of the bed anyway as the only fun thing you could ever do with a bed was bounce on it and she had done that. So the new game she was playing was much more entertaining; the young man was fast, faster than she had expected and it was hard work outrunning him, but that made it more enjoyable, as Ken-chan always said 'A fight is always more fun when it looks like you have a chance of losing.'

The small Soul Reaper was having such a good time; she almost didn't sense her fellow intruders about to turn into the corridor she was running down. Gasping, she quickly darted around a corner into another passage to avoid them, her eyes widened as she realised that they were on their way back home; if she didn't beat them to the Garganta, they would close it and she would be stuck in Hueco Mundo forever…without Ken-chan!

That was not an option and she sprinted with all her speed to the gate where she skidded to a stop. Panting, she was about to walk through when Ulquiorra appeared behind her.

"Wow, I didn't expect you to catch up so fast!"

He stared at her blankly. "I must admit your speed surprised me a little, but there is no way I would fail to kill you, as Lord Aizen commanded it."

Frowning slightly the Shinigami gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry Ulqui…"

"Ulquiorra." The Espada corrected for what seemed like the hundredth time that day.

"…but I can't play with you anymore; I have to go home now, the others don't know I'm here, so they'd close the gate and leave me behind if I didn't get back before them." Her face suddenly lit up. "I know! I know! You can come with me; you're fun and I like you, come on let's go!"

Ulquiorra gave her a blank look and was about to ask her what she was talking about and why she wasn't trying to run for her life when she surprised him again with her speed and before he knew it, she was sitting on his shoulders, he was further shocked at her strength as she knocked him over the head with the hilt of her sword, this was of course before he lost consciousness.

"OK Ulqui, let's go!" smiled Yachiru. She draped Ulquiorra's limp arm around her shoulders and hitched his chest into a more comfortable position on her arm. Then she leapt through the portal and back into Soul Society.

**11.11.11**

A minute later, the remaining intruders of Hueco Mundo and their over friendly guide arrived outside the Garganta.

"…all live happily ever after. Well, do you all know your parts in the plan?" concluded the narcissist.

The others nodded, all somewhat reluctantly, except Rangiku who was very enthusiastic about the whole thing. "Ohhhh, they're going to be so happy together, I can't wait!" she squeaked.

"You know what to do don't you?" said Yumichika, turning to Grimmjow. "Yours is a vital role, without you none of it will work."

"Yeah, yeah I know; you'll come back soon won't you? I'll be so bored with no one to play with." He pouted as he played with the Fifth Seat's hair.

"Don't worry we'll be back." winked Yumichika.

"Yeah, so try not to miss us too much will ya?" mocked Ikkaku.

"Don't worry," sneered the Espada. "I think I can cope with being away from _you_."

This snipping between the two men went on for a while and then it took even more time to prise Yumichika away from Grimmjow who was clinging to him like a hungry kitten. So by the time they arrived back in Seireitei, it was close to three in the morning.

"Aw, shit! I've gotta go find my Captain," groaned Renji. "He's taken to going to bars at night with Captain Kyoraku ever since _someone_," he shot a look at Ikkaku. "Helped him to 'loosen up'. He's decided that he missed out on his teenage years so he has to relive them again and do it right this time."

With that the Red-head dashed to the nearest drinking venue, leaving the other three to leisurely make their separate ways home. They needed their rest after all, as tomorrow; they put their plan into action!

**There you have it: Plans have been made, **

** Mysteries have been uncovered**

** Ulquiorra has been kidnapped**

** Only one question remains – What will happen next?**

**Tune in next time for the next gripping chapter in 'A Hair In The Captain's Bed'.**

**Dun-dun-duuuunnnnn!**


	7. The Plan

**As you can tell, or you will be able to tell when you've finished this chapter anyway, I'm obsessed with two things in Bleach: Squad 11 and Ulquiorra (I think everyone should be in love with him). In fact I think he should be in Squad 11: they don't have a fourth seat, Ulquiorra is the **_**fourth**_** Espada…do I have to do all your work for you Tite Kubo?**

**That being said it is quite obvious that I don't own Bleach or my Ulqui-baby never would have died, so…**

**The Plan**

Knock knock

"Go away."

Knock knock

"I said go away!"

Knock knock knock

"Fuck OFF!"

Knock knock KNOCK KNOCK

"Look," yelled Nnoitra flinging his door open. "what part of 'fuck off' don't you understand you retar…"

Blinking the tall man stared up and down the corridor in confusion; there was no one there. Snorting in distain at the pitiful prank, he turned to go back into his room when something caught his eye: a letter had been left on the floor outside his room.

Closing the door behind him, Nnoitra sat on his bed and opened the envelope.

_Yo man,_

_I know u lov partes, y don u com 2 1 in my plase, itl hav fireworks an fod an sake. Itl b gr8! I wanna c ur smexy ass, so com 2 it won u?_

_Lov ya_

_Ur bitch_

The Espada starred at the letter for a while, letting its meaning sank in. Nodding he stood up, opened his door, walked down the corridor and entered the kitchen.

"The fuck is THIS Jeagerjaques?"

Looking up from his cereal, Grimmjow shrugged his shoulders. "How am I supposed to know?"

Nnoitra glared at him "Well you should know; you wrote it!"

"Says who?"

"Says the writing."

"Whaddya mean?" he asked, frowning in confusion.

The lanky Espada snorted. "Look only two people in Hueco Mundo spell this badly and one of them is me. I'll give you three guesses as to who the other one is."

Smirking, Grimmjow gave his superior a sarcastic look. "Just cause I'm stupid don't mean I'm a bad speller."

"So you're not denying your idiocy then?" said a bored Szayel who was half listening to the conversation while flicking through the paper (it was a copy of '_The HM Times_', a publication written by Kaname Tousen, edited by Gin Ichimaru and read only by Szayel-Aporro, purely to laugh at the way Gin edited all of Tousen's articles to include sexual innuendoes and dirty references).

Acting like he hadn't heard the scientist, probably because he hadn't, Grimmjow sneered. "And besides, how come you're a bad speller spoon-face, did your ma' drop you on your head when you were a baby?" he mocked.

"No, I happen to be dyslexic, what's your excuse _Dummer-jacks_?" retorted the lanky man.

Grimmjow frowned. "Dis-lick-sick, the fuck is that, an STD?"

"No you stupid twat, it's where you can't read words properly, the only thing here that's an STD is your stupidity!" snapped Nnoitra.

"For your information, I was as stupid when I was a virgin as I am now, so it's not an STD dumb ass." Retorted Grimmjow smugly, proud that he had proven the other man wrong.

"Once again Grimmjow I am astounded at the level of your intelligence." Came Szayel's dry remark.

Hearing this the blue haired Espada smirked haughtily at Nnoitra as if to say '_see even Szayel thinks I'm smart_'.

Nnoitra face-palmed "He was implying that you are idiot you dumb fuck!"

The cat man's smile faded "What?"

"Oh never mind," cried Nnoitra, worried that Grimmjow's brand of stupidity was contagious. "Why did you write this?" he demanded once more brandishing the letter.

Seeing that there was no way to hide it Grimmjow decided to make something up, a trait he was well known for failing miserably at. "I was walking round Soul Society the other day when this Shinigami comes up to me and says 'You're an Espada aren't you?'

"So I said 'Yeah I am, what's it to you?'

"And he says 'Nothin', I just wanted you to tell Nnoitra to come to a party that's happenin' here so we can have a date.'

"So I said 'sure' and so I wrote the letter 'cause I know you wouldn't believe me if I just told you."

Grimmjow squirmed uncomfortably at the stares he was receiving from the others. Nnoitra's mouth was flapping open like a fish out of water and even Szayel had lowered his newspaper to stare at the blue haired man as if he were some kind of horrifying monster.

He had a feeling they didn't quite believe him so he added. "Oh and the Shinigami who gave me the message said that he was only a messenger and that after he talked to me he would have to kill himself so the message would remain secret and then he stabbed himself with his zanpakuto."

At this Szayel seemed to come out of his shocked state and smiled at Grimmjow, the way you would smile at a child who denied eating the cake when it had chocolate icing all over its mouth. "So," the pink haired man said "You were just wondering around the Court of Pure Souls when this happened were you?"

Grimmjow nodded.

"And why were you there?"

"Erm…I was…looking, for…Ulquiorra."

Szayel raised his eyebrow; this part of the story at least was plausible; Ulquiorra had been missing for a few days now. Aizen was hysterical because apparently the petite Espada had promised to see him after he finished his mission, which should have only lasted a few minutes and it was unlike Ulquiorra to break a promise…no, in fact, it went against Ulquiorra's very nature to do it. However Grimmjow's story still didn't make a shred of sense.

"So you just strolled through the streets looking for our missing comrade did you? You weren't stopped by anyone, maybe challenged to a fight? Because I know that if_ I_ went anywhere near Seireitei, a million and one alarms would activate and I'd be swamped by Soul Reapers before I could give them a 'missing' poster!"

"Yeah well…I'm awesome at infiltration and investigation…I've got ninja skills that even that stuck up bitch of a Captain has never scene!"

"Grimmjow you are as subtle as Naruto and Black Star rolled into one." Apparently Szayel had been reading some of Ulquiorra's manga.

"Awesome! Black Star, what a cool name, maybe I should change mine to 'Doomagedon', 'The Blue Panther'…no, no, how about 'The unstoppable cat demon'"

"How about 'The dumbest fucker alive'?" muttered Nnoitra, finally snapping out of his reverie.

Grimmjow scowled. "Look, are you going to that party or not?"

"Why should I?"

"'Cause you'll see your beloved there."

"Yeah along with half a million Soul Reapers," pointed out the lanky man. "I mean I know I'm good, but even I have my limits."

"Well you won't be there as you," smiled Grimmjow. "We'll go in disguise."

"We?" asked a suspicious Nnoitra. "Why are you going?"

The blue haired man gave his predator grin. "Let's just say; you're not the only one who wants to see a Shinigami."

**11.11.11**

"So where do I set up?"

"Over there, in that field."

Kukaku nodded and made her way over to the location indicated by the Lieutenant.

"She doesn't have bigger ones than me." Muttered Rangiku after the other woman was out of ear shot. She looked down at her own assets and sighed; she had always prided herself on the ability to woo any man, and a few ladies, with her chest, but seeing the fireworks expert had deflated her ego a little. "Must be fake," she concluded. "No one has boobs that big and shiny."

"Stop complaining about being second best." Said a board voice.

Rangiku shrieked in mock alarm. "Captain, don't scare me like that."

"You weren't scared."

"Yes I was and why are you here, why aren't you getting ready?"

Hitsugaya looked confused, "I thought the party started at nine."

"It does."

"But that's five hours away!"

The busty woman wagged her finger at her Captain, "You must take every second you have, now, do you have the outfit I bought for you?"

"I'm not wearing it." deadpanned Hitsugaya.

"But Taicho it's…"

"It's a sailor's outfit."

"Exactly; it'll look so cute on you."

"Matsumoto, I'm too old to wear such a ludicrous thing."

"So you're just going to throw away the present I bought you?" she made a face to look like she was going to cry.

He sighed "No I…"

"The present that I had to search high and low for."

"It's just…"

"The gift that I saved up months' worth of wages for?"

"You're being unr…"

"The gem that I had to travel to the World of the Living to find?"

Hitsugaya had had enough, "Yes, that present, the one that is ridiculous and that you knew I'd never wear…I wouldn't be caught dead in it!"

He finished, breathing slightly heavily and instantly regretted his words; his Lieutenant looked heart broken.

He sighed, "Look Matsumoto…"

"Shiro! Little Shiro…hey Shiro-chan!"

"Momo?" Hitsugaya turned round to see his childhood friend running to his side.

"Hey little Shiro, happy birthday." She beamed at him, panting slightly. "What's wrong with Rangiku?" she asked as the other woman walked off dejectedly.

"She…she bought me a present that she knew I would hate and now she's upset because I refuse to wear it."

Momo gasped. "Little Shiro!"

"You don't understand…"

"I understand enough, you listen to me, you are going to wear what she got you!"

"But…"

"No buts…it was really kind and thoughtful when she bought you a gift and you were very ungrateful. Now you are going to wear it to the party tonight!"

"Who are you, my mother?" sulked Hitsugaya.

"I'm the closest you've got young man, now come with me." Momo grabbed her friend by his wrist and dragged him off to his barrack, with him protesting the whole time.

"What are you smirking about Rangiku?"

"Oh, Yumichika…I'm just happy because my plan worked."

The narcissist frowned slightly (slightly, not too much, as he didn't want to develop worry wrinkles). "What plan?"

"Well…I got my Captain a really cute outfit that I knew he'd despise and he refused to wear it. So I walked off in a sulk, but I timed it so that Momo would see me depressed and ask my Captain what was wrong…"

"Ahhh, I see. She got angry at him and is now forcing him to wear the outfit? Good job Rangiku, very devious!"

The busty woman giggled.

"So are you ready to put the real plan into action?" asked Yumichika, suddenly becoming very serious.

Rangiku immediately dropped the smile she was wearing and replaced it with a business like expression. "Yes, I just have one question though, how are we going to avoid anyone recognising the Espada?"

"Well Grimmjow's coming with him and they'll both be in disguise."

Rangiku clapped her hands in excitement, "This is going to be so fun, but wait…how is Captain Zaraki going to recognise him, if nobody else can?"

"That's easy, Nnoitra will instantly go over to his lover and reveal himself; they'll have the entire night to spend together and beautiful fireworks to watch…it will be so romantic!" Yumichika giggled into his clasped hands and started to waltz around the street they were in.

"Alright Cupid," laughed the female Lieutenant. "Just remember to be there yourself, in case anything goes wrong."

"Of course, of course I'll be there…I am meeting my own Espada after all!" He started to walk back to his Squad. "Remember, we meet under the tree at five minutes to midnight, just before the fireworks go off!"

"I'll see you there then."

"Oh and one more thing," he called back to her. "Don't get drunk and reveal any vital information!"

"I wouldn't do that, honestly…what type of girl do you think I am?"

**11.11.11**

'_It is dark here, but that does not matter. I am able to see with the most minimal amount of light. I am in a strange room, I think it is underground but I cannot be sure. There are noises above me, suggesting that I am under a residence of some kind, however I cannot make out what is being said, even with my sensitive hearing. If I were anyone else I probably wouldn't have heard any sound at all._

'_The strange thing about my current situation is the fact that I cannot move and I cannot seem to access any of my Reiatsu, so I cannot signal for help. That little girl must have done something to me._

'_The only logical thing I can do is wait I suppose, even though no one will find me. They probably know I am missing by now, after all I told Aizen-sama that I would go back and speak to him straight away after dispatching the Shinigami and that was at least two days ago. However I have no misguided illusions; my comrades will not try to save me, I am in Soul Society after all and it would be illogical – no suicidal, to attempt a rescue._

'_Therefore my only chance of escape is the child that brought me here._' Ulquiorra sighed. '_The one problem is that I have never been good at persuading people at all, I do not usually think of my lack of emotions as a disadvantage, in fact I usually think quite the opposite, as emotions are difficult and make people behave quite irrationally. However if I am to please this girl I will have to…what is the word? Empathise with her._' He sighed again, contemplating the near impossible task and how he should go about achieving it. After all, he couldn't even feel any Reiatsu around him, so the walls of his prison must be made out of Sekkiseki rock and even to hollows, it was impenetrable.

**11.11.11**

"Happy Birthday Captain."

"Thank you."

"Happy Birthday Captain!"

"Thank you."

"Happy Birthday Hitsugaya Taichou."

"Thank you."

"Captain!"

"Matsumoto? Were where you, you were supposed to be greeting guests with me, I've been here for hours!"

"Oh Captain…it's not been hours; I'm ten minutes late!"

"Really?" the small Captain sighed, only ten minutes had passed and he was already this board? It was going to be a bad night for him; he already had the beginnings of a headache, and it would only get worse as time wore on. "What? Why are you smiling like that Matsumoto?"

"You wore it Captain!"

"Wha…oh yes…This. Do you like it?"

"Of course I do it's ador…"

Hitsugaya's eye twitched. "If you say 'adorable' I'm going to freeze you here so you miss the entire party."

"Ador…ning. Yes adorning…because you adorn…the party?"

'_He really does look cute though_' thought Rangiku as she examined her Captain in the white and navy blue shirt, complete with shorts, a neck tie and a matching hat that was balanced precariously on his spiky hair.

The Captain sighed once more, he decided to let it pass for once and waved Rangiku into the party. She hurried past him as quickly as possible, before he remembered that she had promised to stay with him as he welcomed his guests. She quickly found where the dance floor was, grabbed the nearest male and started 'dancing' – whereas to any observer, it looked as though she were trying to mate with her clothes on.

**11.11.11**

"Are you sure about this Jeagerjaques?"

"Absolutely."

"I was just asking because, well…I look like a twat."

"Exactly, we've disguised you without losing any of your Nnoitra-ness."

The tall man snarled. "Are you trying to say I usually look like a twat?"

His blue haired companion sniggered. "Ya' usually walk round looking like a kitchen utensil, whadda' _you_ think?"

"Why you…"

"Welcome to my party," said a small child by the archway that lead to the field. "The dance floor is straight ahead, the drinks are to the right, yes there is alcohol and at midnight there will be a fireworks display, enjoy."

"Awesome fireworks, I love fire…ow what the fuck Jeager…I mean…Bob?" Nnoitra gave a silent whistle of relief at remembering to use Grimmjow's code name.

"Nothing _Bill_, you just forgot to say 'Happy Birthday'." Grimmjow said meaningfully, removing his foot from the lanky man's own, after having just stomped on it.

"Oh sorry, Happy Birthday kid."

It was a testament to how tired and fed up he was, that Hitsugaya did not react to being called 'kid' any more than frowning.

"I told you the disguises would work!" said Grimmjow smugly.

"I don't see how," replied his superior. "They look so ridiculous!" for the hundredth time that night he glanced down at what he was wearing. He had on a bright yellow dress with a red floral pattern, a huge orange hat with a bunch of grapes on top, which was tilted on his head so his hollow mask was hidden and his hair was done up in a loose bun with chop-sticks to hold it in place (they figured that chop-sticks would do because they couldn't find any kanzashi). "And why am I dressed like a chick anyway?"

"We've been over this, it's so you don't look suspicious when talking to your Soul Reaper companion. Especially if you get a bit drunk and start making-out."

Nnoitra gave a confused and embarrassed frown. "If anything I would have thought that would make it extra suspicious. Anyway, why haven't you done the same?"

He glared accusingly at Grimmjow who was wearing a black suit with a white shirt, a black tie and a scarf that hid the lower half of his face, hiding his hollow mask. Together they looked like a gangster who was about to rob a shop and his transvestite whore.

"I don't need to look like a girl, my guy's already out."

"Huh?"

"You know my lover's already openly ga…"

"Grimm…I mean Bill!"

Grimmjow spun around to see Yumichika rushing up to him, he smirked and threw his arms around the Soul Reapers shoulder. "Speak of the devil! How's my baby doin'?"

The narcissist giggled like a schoolgirl, "Oh Grimm, I'm doing fine, how are you doing? How…how…how's it hangin' homey?" he laughed again and clutched at the Espada's arm. Grimmjow knew from the grip that if he wasn't there, Yumichika would have fallen to the ground.

"You drunk baby?" laughed the cat-like man, highly amused about the state his unofficial boyfriend was in.

"Of course…hick…not," hiccupped the Shinigami. "I'm the…hick…responsible one. No, no, no…the other two are drunk though…I told them not to be, but they are." He whispered conspiratorially.

He started swinging on his companions arm, then spotted Nnoitra, gasped and slapped Grimmjow across the face.

"Ow, the fuck was that for?" demanded Grimmjow while clutching his bruised face.

"Are you cheating on me?" asked Yumichika in disbelief.

"What? No!"

"You are aren't you, why Grimmjow, why…?" he wailed.

"Hey shhhh," said Grimmjow quickly. "Don't say my name so loud and you're making a scene."

But the words didn't even register with the feather-faced narcissist who was wailing at the top of his lungs, huge choking sobs that caught the attention of everyone around them, while Grimmjow failed to calm him down.

"It started so well…we only began seeing each other last week…a-a-and now I find you w-w-with another m-man and a transvestite no less. Why Grimm why…? I mean he's, he's…UGLY!"

"Shush baby," soothed Grimmjow, trying to calm the man down quickly. "It's not like that."

But the dramatics carried on as if he hadn't even opened his mouth. "It's the hair isn't it? I only cut it to stop the Lieutenant playing with it!"

"Sweetie, you're hair's great."

"I-I-It's the Squad isn't it, I can't help it; I've tried to make them beautiful but nothing works!"

"Babe, I couldn't care less about your squ…"

"No, no, no I get it," Yumichika sniffed a bit to try and calm himself down before howling. "You think I'm FAT!"

Grimmjow took a couple of steps back from his wailing lover, scratching his head, he looked around desperately as if hopping to see someone jump out from the audience to give him a guide to drunk, emotional boyfriends, or better yet just tell him what to do, as he wasn't a very good reader. Neither thing happened however and the blue haired man resorted to the only thing he knew; force. Ignoring the mutterings and disapproving glares of the Soul Reapers around him, Grimmjow picked Yumichika up, and carried him, over his shoulder, to the nearest building.

Once inside, Grimmjow went to the stand with healing concoctions, provided by Squad Four at every party for overly drunk guests, took one and made a still sniffling Yumichika drink it.

As soon as he had drained the last drop, Yumichika looked at Grimmjow, "The hell was that, whatever it was it…hick…tasted…hick…weird." He then promptly collapsed and it was only thanks to Grimmjow that he didn't fall on his face.

**11.11.11**

"Hey Ichigo!"

'_Oh shit, I've been spotted, stay cool. Act like Ichigo would._' I turned round and waved.

'_Oh shit what's his name again, let's see red hair, stupid tattoos…_' "Hey …dude!" I greeted, giving up on a name, how am I supposed to know all of the King's idiotic followers anyway?

The man laughed as he jogged up to join me, but his smile faded when he was close enough to see me in detail and he replaced it with a frown.

"You look…different."

'_Fuck he noticed! What do I do?_' "Different? I don't know what you mean." I laughed and scratched my head like an idiot. '_That's right, when all else fails bluff your way out of an awkward situation._'

The read head looked unconvinced. "No, there's definitely something…"

Well I didn't really expect him not to notice, I look like the King dipped in a vat of Bleach for fucks sake, there's a million things different about us, he could pick from a long list starting from my hair being the wrong colour and ending with my teeth being straighter, although I really hope he doesn't get interested enough to notice _that_ fact!

I started to let my hand wonder from scratching my head towards my sword's hilt.

"Maybe…" he started.

I gulped, if there was a fight the whole of Seireitei would be here in a flash and I wouldn't be able to search.

"…could it be…"

I gripped Zangetsu tightly.

"You've painted your nails, haven't you?"

'_What a MORON!_'

"Yup, you noticed," I congratulated. "Well done!"

"What a girl." The Shinigami said with a stupid smirk on his face. "So, you here for the party?"

'_Party?_' I blinked blankly and then smiled widely. "Yeah the party…of course…why else would I be here?" '_Bluffing don't fail me now!_'

"I don't know, you could be here to declare your love to me!" The tattooed dolt started laughing loudly at his joke.

I laughed along too while wondering '_Does this man even have a brain?_' I was not a very scientific person but I suddenly felt a desperate need to slice his head open to find out.

He finished laughing and clapped his hand on to my shoulder, a fact I wanted him to spontaneously combust for, how dare he touch me, only two people are allowed to do that and one of them is me! "Come on, the party's at Squad Ten, obviously, let's go together…"

"No!"

He turned to look at me in confusion.

"I mean, I need to talk to…" '_What's her name again, the midget who lives in the King's wardrobe…_' "Rukia! I need to talk to Rukia…very important, very private."

"Oh, well, Rukia will be at the party."

'_Damn it!_'

"…Just one thing, I wouldn't mention Captain Kuchiki if I were you, he went crazy a few weeks ago and he's confined to his room now, not even Rukia's allowed to see him. So she's a little depressed at the moment."

I nodded in understanding. "Yeah, hoes always get Horney when they can't get any, he should watch out or she'll go start shagging someone else."

The Soul Reaper starred at me in horror. "He's her _brother_, you sick bastard!"

'_Shit…come on you can do this, just laugh it off!_' "Yeah, yeah, I know, just messin' with ya Red Man!"

"Ichigo are you feeling all right?" he asked concerned.

"Never better." I laughed, punching his shoulder affectionately. '_I have to act more like the King. Come on Ichigo's an idiot, what would he say?_' "So after I talk to Byakuya and we go to the party, what say you and I go and do manly things…like listening to loud music, looking board at everything and…" '_Think damn it, work brain!_' "…braid each other's hair." I mentally face palmed, '_The hell was THAT!_'

"Ok," said Renji brightly. "See ya later then." He waved as he walked in the direction where the loud music and drunken laughter was coming from.

I stood there in shock for a moment. '_That worked…seriously?_' I shook my head, if that idiot made lieutenant I shudder to think about the unseated officer's level of intelligence, could they even talk?

I set off again, I have no idea who Captain Kuchiki is and I don't care, I'm here for one thing only. '_Now where could you be…Ulquiorra?_'

**11.11.11**

He could hear sounds around him, noises, muffled and indistinguishable and as he opened his eyes he saw colours, blurred shapes with no outlines. He turned his head to the side, however it did no good. The a blue shape moved in front of him and a sound, louder than the others battered his ears, but he couldn't understand what it said…such a nice sound though, he tried to listen harder. "…a…p…up…you' gotta wake up!"

Gasping the narcissist sat bolt upright, startling Grimmjow who had to dodge to the left in order to avoid being head-butted.

"Wow, wow, calm down there Yumi." He soothed.

"Where am I, what happened, who are you? Oh Grimm, sorry; I didn't see you for a moment." The narcissist took a deep, calming breath as he looked around, trying to get some bearings. "Where is everyone else?" he gasped. "Where's Nnoitra?"

The blue haired man scratched his head. "I dunno 'bout the others, but spoon-head's by the punch bowl."

Yumichika nodded "Well we need to…oh my head." He groaned, clutching at his hair after trying to get up. "Why does it feel like Shuhei is trying to play that wretched guitar thing in my brain?"

"You got a headache, aw my poor baby." Cooed the Espada, pulling the other man into his lap. Yumichika rested his head against his chest as Grimmjow stroked his hair. "You drank a bit too much and I had to give you that disgusting smelling drink over on the healers table."

"Really? That usually leaves you with nothing more than the taste of aubergines in your mouth, I've never had a migraine this bad before…" Yumichika stilled as a thought occurred to him, slowly he rose his head until he was eye to eye with the other man. "…Grimmjow, which potion _exactly _did you take from the table?"

"Uh…the blue one I think, I dunno, it smelt like shit whatever it was. Why?" he added as Yumichika slapped himself in the fore head.

"Some of the new recruits came up with a _hilarious_ game." Muttered the Shinigami resentfully. "They swap some of the hangover potions with a brew of their own and see who's unlucky enough to pick the wrong ones."

"Don't seem like much of a game to me." Frowned Grimmjow. "If ya knew about the game ya wouldn't pick the wrong one would ya?"

"But you see most people are too drunk to tell the difference."

"So, ya got the wrong drink, so what?" said the Espada somewhat defensively, after all it was he who gave the hung over man this strange concoction.

"So Grimmjow," glared the narcissist. "So…for a few hours…you can only speak the truth! That's why it's such a _fun game_, because people go spilling secrets about themselves and others. It's ruined friendships, love affairs, reputations, sometimes even marriages, it's a horrible thing and now I've got it! Thanks a _lot _Grimm!"

"Well sorry." Growled the blue haired man angrily. "Ya know I was jus' tryin' ta help, how was I supposed ta know what some fucktards had done, I aint' no Soul Reaper!"

"No, you're just a stupid little cat with all brawn and no brai…" Yumichika gasped in horror and capped his hand over his mouth to muffle the rest of the sentence which was said by his treacherous mouth, at last he lowered his hands and hung his head. "You see Grimm, this is why it's so terrible; I didn't mean to say that, it just…came out…I'm sorry." He finished in a small voice.

"Hey, hey…don't worry about it, I know I aint' the smartest guy alive." said Grimmjow soothingly. "Don't worry, just try not to talk too much tonight okay?"

After receiving a nod from his still downcast partner, the cat man straightened up. "Now, let's go get those two misfits together!"

**11.11.11**

"Seriously?"

"Why though?"

"They probably just killed each other."

"Yeah, I mean it's not as if they were vital to the group or anything."

"Enough!" Demanded Aizen, he had gathered all of his Espada to form a search party and all they seemed to be able to do was complain. "I will have no arguments, we are going to the Soul Society to recue your brother and that's final!"

"Don't you mean brother_s_?" asked Szayel.

Aizen looked at the scientist in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"You said brother, as in only one person, we are going to try and find several aren't we?"

"Oh, yes, several…of course. Brothers, I meant brothers…and we will find them…no arguments. Now let us go fourth my children!" He declared as, on cue, Tousen opened a Garganta into Seireitei .

Aizen ran through the crack in space and was slowly followed by his 'children' with much grumbling and dragging of feet. After they had gone Tousen closed the portal and turned to the only person who had wanted to stay.

"So Wonderweiss…want to play a game of chess?"

"Uh?" enquired the blond boy.

"Don't worry, I'll teach you how to play," started the justice obsessed villain. "Now there are 32 pieces in total, half are white and half are black, a very racist game if ask me, no justice in it at all, all about trying to destroy your enemy, that's why I have made up my own version. Much better. Now one side has to commit a crime…" he continued, oblivious to the fact that the recipient of the information wasn't paying any attention but was trying to see if he could touch his eye with his tongue like he had seen Nnoitra do.

Meanwhile Aizen was sprinting through the darkness, impatient to reach the sliver of light ahead, '_don't worry Ulqui, daddy's coming!_'

**11.11.11**

Ulquiorra curses silently as he tries to hold back a sneeze, it is vital that he makes no noise. After careful deliberation, the Espada had decided that there was no hope of him 'empathising' with his captor, so he was opting for the second option open to him: knock her out when she comes to see him and run away. This is why he is now standing by the wall next to the door, as footsteps start to sound louder and louder. He takes a steady breath and prepares to attack.

"Hum, what's this?" he hears from the other side of the door. Ulquiorra frowns, it is a man's voice, definitely not the voice of the small female. This means that he has a chance of getting out of his current predicament without any violence, violence that could easily lead to him being the target of multiple zanpakuto attacks from many soul reapers. This being the case, the pale man steps forwards, in front of the door, so he will be in plain sight.

Even though he has more of a chance reasoning with _this_ person, he still prepares himself for a fight, after all the first things most Shinigami would do upon finding an Arrancar in the middle of Seireitei, would be to sound the alarm and attack.

He tenses, hearing a click, as the door is unlocked and he blinks twice as he is suddenly bathed in light after having been kept in the darkness for so long.

"Well, well, what have we here? An Arrancar…no, an Espada!" said Espada sighs slightly, well there goes that plan. "What are you doing here?" asks the man as he walks towards the smaller male, he dims the light slightly and Ulquiorra can just make out a very distinguished looking gentleman, who has a long silk scarf draped around his shoulders and white kenseikan in his dark hair.

"I am Ulquiorra Cifer and judging from your white haori, you are a Soul Reaper Captain, so you should know me without having to ask, trash."

The Shinigami looks surprised. "You think that I, Byakuya Kuchiki, Captain of Squad Six and head of the noble Kuchiki clan…am trash?"

Ulquiorra merely blinks slowly in the affirmative.

"What impudence," said the Captain, staring at the little Arrancar who looks back emotionlessly, preparing mentally for a fight. "That…is the cutest thing anyone has ever said to me!" squealed the noble. "No one's ever told me what they truly think of me before, they were always too scared to, but you actually said it to my face and with such a serious expression too…ohhh I just love you, you are too cute for words!" he gushes as he grabs Ulquiorra into a bone crushing hug while he rubs his cheek against the younger man's face.

Poor Ulquiorra was very confused, he had been told that Shinigami were part of a military based society, that they were all hardened warriors who treated any outsiders with mistrust and who's policy on hollows were 'kill now ask questions later'. Yet the only Soul Reapers he had encountered so far were utterly mad!

The stoic man sighs as the other babbles on about how sweet he is, it was going to take a lot of willpower to keep his sanity in a place like this…

**11.11.11**

Aizen gasped and came to a sudden stop, he held up his hand, an indication to the Espada who were following him to halt. He had felt Ulquiorra's Spirit energy, he was sure of it, but it was feint, only a trickle of it was being emitted, which meant that either the Espada was somewhere mostly surrounded by Sekkiseki, or…his Ulquiorra…his dear, sweet, cut little Ulqui…was dying! This was too much for Aizen, he had to act now, but they still needed to be cautious, after all if Soul society knew they were here, they would use his baby as leverage, possibly harming him in the process and he couldn't have that!

Currently the rescue team were in a corridor in the Squad Three barracks and had been in the process of searching it. Aizen, still crouching by the corner of the hall, turned round the his followers and started making hand gestures to indicate what was going on without having to talk to them for fear of being discovered.

"What's he doing now?" asked an exasperated Harribel.

"I don't know," answered Szayel carefully as Aizen made a hand gesture that looked like he was trying to imitate a bird. "But I think I ought to do a full psychological exam when we get back home."

"Yes, I think that would be best." Nodded Starrk, a little concerned about everyone's safety as their all-knowing and powerful leader started to mime strangling himself. He sighed silently, as soon as they had landed on Soul Society soil, the former Captain had started acting like he was in one of those action movies from the world of the living. Sneaking around close to walls and jumping through windows. Starrk could have sworn he had heard him humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme tune to himself and now he was trying to communicate with ridiculous hand signals? "Hey, Aizen-sama, don't you think we should look for Ulquiorra elsewhere, he's obviously not in these barracks." He called down the corridor.

Aizen made a panicked hushing gesture and ran up to his Prima as quickly and as quietly as possible. "What do you think you are doing?" he hissed. "We're supposed to be quiet, we don't want to get caught before we've found your brothers do we?"

"Caught by whom, exactly?" enquired Szayel dryly. "It's not as if we've seen anyone." It was true, they hadn't encountered one Soul since they had arrived ten minutes ago. Which was strange really, as one would have expected there to be a guard or two at least, where was everyone?

"I'm just being careful," whispered their leader. "I've lived here remember? You don't know what it's like, everyone knows everything, even the walls have ears." He muttered conspiratorially.

As one, the search party started eying the walls next to them dubiously. Little did they know that in fact the walls did have ears, well microphone anyway, most walls in the Court of Pure Souls did, the reason? Well, Myuri Kurotsuchi was a highly paranoid man who thought the world and everyone in it was trying to steal his research, therefore he kept a record of everyone's conversations with each other, and spent hours every night pouring over the tapes and films, trying to decipher what hidden messages these seemingly innocent encounters held. Fortunately for the band of intruders, the majority of Squad Twelve were at the party getting drunk and the rest were either sleeping or doing work completely unrelated to invasions of privacy.

"Besides," continued the former Squad Five Captain. "I've just felt Ulquiorra's Spiritual Energy, it's coming from over there." He said as he pointed in an Easterly direction. "Come along men, let's go!" and without further ado, he turned around and jumped out of the nearest window, shattering the glass.

The Espada stood in silence for a moment before Baraggan decided to try his luck. "Aizen, you dead?"

"No man," came the response. "But I think I need some help getting this glass out of my arms."

**11.11.11**

"Jeagerjaques are you sure about this?"

"Positive, come on trust me."

"I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw you."

"Well you could throw me pretty far if I didn't fight back, now go on lover boy, go get 'em!"

Nnoitra nodded, took a deep breath and started walking determinately towards the Squad Eleven Captain.

Yumichika returned to the feline Arrancar's side. "There he goes; oh I hope it will go all right."

"He'll be fine." Assured the blue haired man, putting his arm around the Soul Reaper's waist.

Despite his confident words Grimmjow joined Yumichika in watching the lanky male, dressed as a girl, weaving his way through the dancers. The Espada hesitated at the edge of the dancing platform for a moment before pushing his way through the swaying party-goers. He emerged from the other side and carried on walking with his fists clenched in quiet determination. The couple followed him, looking on with baited breath as their quarry took the final few steps to Captain Zaraki and…veered off to the right at the last second.

"Wait, what?" cried Yumichika in disbelief. "Why'd he do that, was he too much of a coward?"

"I dunno." shrugged a mystified Grimmjow. "He seemed so determined, I thought he'd go through with it..."

The two were lost for words as they saw Nnoitra stop by the punch bowl and tap Lieutenant Hinamori on the back, all the while blushing like a school girl. They watched, mortified as he spoke to her and slowly her expression of at being adressed by a strange cross dresser, turned into one of horror and disgust. In the end both men winced as the small Soul Reaper slapped the Espada hard and ran away screaming, leaving Nnoitra on the verge of tears, "But I love you!" he yelled after her.

Slowly Grimmjow turned to Yumichika. "What…just…happened?"

"I don't know. But if I had to guess, I'd say that we had the wrong idea about the Fifth Espada."

"No kidding."

"…terrible, I thought she'd love me," the pair jumped as they realised that Nnoitra had come up to them, sobbing. "You told me she'd love me! It's all your fault Jeagerjaques!" he yelled, pointing at Grimmjow accusingly.

"My fault, it's your fault ya' dozy bastard! I didn't know ya' were in love with a woman, I thought ya' were inta' guys!"

"Guys? The fuck would you think that Jeagerjaques, you been at the cat-nip again?"

"Oh I get it," said Yumichika suddenly, interrupting the fight. "Nnoitra, you were the one that sent Momo those letters and that thong weren't you?"

"Yeah, so what, who are you anyway."

Yumichika was shaking his head, "And you blame your failed attempt on Grimmjow, it's your own fault!" the narcissist declared to an incredulous Nnoitra.

"What, why? How?"

"Those letters you sent were creepy, she was really worried."

"Why would she be worried, they were supposed to be romantic?"

"Romantic? Don't make me laugh. You talked about watching her in the shower, watching her sleep, wanting to rape her…"

"Hey, I never said..!"

"And then there was the thong."

Nnoitra blushed. "What was wrong with the thong? I thought it would look good on her is all."

Yumichika sighed. "You can't just go up to someone who you've never even spoken to before and give them a piece of dirty lingerie. It's creepy!"

The lanky man grimaced. "Did she really hate it that much?"

"Oh yes, she was too scared to go out of her room, surely you noticed!"

"I thought it was just…you know…her time of the month."

Grimmjow nodded knowingly and then frowned. "What time of the month?"

The other two men turned to stare at him.

"Her time of the month…when chicks get all narky and bitchy and want chocolate all the time and you can't do a thing right in front of them…that time." Said Nnoitra.

Yumichika nodded. "Yes, it's the time that…you know."

Grimmjow shook his head and looked at the Shinigami expectantly like a curious child, but as the saying goes curiosity killed the cat.

"It's the time when…well. They finish their cycle."

Grimmjow cocked his head like a kitten. "Cycle?"

"Well…"

"Dude," said Nnoitra, slapping his comrade on the shoulder. "Don't worry, from the looks of it," he glanced at Yumichika. "You'll never have to worry about it."

**11.11.11**

At last Ulquiorra was out of his prison, the insane Captain had decided that he would help his 'cute little Espada' escape the clutches of the 'pink haired demon'. Though it sounded like a good idea at the time, the green eyed man was starting to think that he would have been better off staying in the dark. Several problems had arisen, the first being that his saviour seemed to be, himself, a prisoner as he was unable to unlock his front door. After finding this out, the head of the Kuchiki clan had decided to try and volt over the garden wall, dragging Ulquiorra behind him like a doll, he was however stopped by several ninja, who seemed to be guards employed by the clan, as they treated the captain with respect and did not once question why he had an Espada with him. Then, the little confidence the Arrancar had in Captain Kuchiki's sanity and prowess as a Soul Reaper vanished as the noble decided to throw a temper tantrum. Luckily he soon recovered from this and came to the conclusion that they could use the tunnels Lieutenant Kusajishi had under and around his manor to evade his captors and escape. It was no surprise to Ulquiorra when he found out that the Kuchiki had been searching these tunnels when he had discovered the prisoner, apparently the suspicions that Ulquiorra had had, about being held under a residence of some sort, was correct.

The Captain of Squad Six had tried to block off these tunnels when he was hard and straight lined, but had been unsuccessful. Now that he was traversing them, he knew why. They were vast, many, many passages criss-crossing one another, some so wide and tall that her 'Ken-chan' could comfortably walk along it, some so small that only the Lieutenant herself could squeeze through. Also, his previous assumption that they were only under his residence, was proven wrong, the maze carried on for what seemed like miles, the seemingly endless network spread through the entire Seireitei and it was easy for Captain Kuchiki and his new 'friend' to walk, and sometimes crawl, away from his estate without raising the alarm.

All in all, Byakuya was feeling very pleased with himself.

**11.11.11**

I can feel him, he's near and he's moving, there's someone else with him. '_Where are you going baby? Don't worry, I'll save you from whoever's holding you captive, hold on Ulqui!_'

Panting a little, I pelted round a corner and ran head first into a man I definitely didn't expect to see.

"Aizen, the fuck you doing here you little shit?" I glared at the other man as I picked myself off the ground.

"I came to save my precious Ulquiorra from the likes of you, you villainous cur!" the scumbag spat.

'S_elf-righteous little prick!_' I thought darkly. '_How dare he think he's good enough for Ulqui, he doesn't know him like I do!_'

It may sound strange but it's true, Aizen never fought Ulquiorra, I did. When you're in that position, when it's life and death, when every second counts and one wrong move could be the end of you, you and your opponent reach an understanding of sorts and you realise what makes the other tick, what it is they're fighting for.

I realised that Ulquiorra was unlike any other opponent I had ever faced, because he wasn't doing it for himself, he wasn't doing it for a friend like that prat Ichigo, he wasn't even doing it for fun like me…he was doing it because he was told to and he wouldn't disobey and try to save himself or surrender because, without orders, without someone to follow, he was nothing, a lost puppy in a storm.

As soon as I had realised this I had felt a rage unlike anything I had ever felt before, someone had taken this man…this powerful, spectacular, beautiful man…and used him. They had forced him into a war, forced him to fight and kill, when I could tell he was no soldier, to be a soldier you needed to want it, but this fallen angel…he wanted nothing, he yearned for nothing, he did as he was told and that was all.

I had spared him, I had knocked him out and moved on before letting the King take over again. I made a promise, a vow of sorts: I would destroy that bastard who had used my angel and I would take his place so Ulquiorra would never have to fight or feel pain again. For someone like him…someone as untainted, as pure as him, should never have to suffer.

That is why I am here, trying to rescue my cold, lonely bat from the clutches of the ego maniacal bastard in front of me.

"I don't think so, It'll be me doing the saving, shit head." I threw at him before shunpoing off towards his reiryoku signature.

**11.11.11**

"Captain Kyoraku, please, stop doing…oh thank you so much lieutenant Nanao."

The party at Squad Ten was in full swing and the Soul reapers were all acting like they usually did at a sociable event; Captain Kurotsuchi was conspicuously absent, along with his lieutenant. Captain Unohana was scaring drunken Squad members with sweet words and smiles, Captain Kyoraku was completely drunk and trying his luck with anyone in a skirt (this included an unfortunate Nnoitra who had almost unwillingly had his first male on male kissing experience). Captain Zaraki was beating everyone at drinking games (he had an amazing capacity for alcohol and was continuously challenged for his title of 'heavyweight drinker in the afterlife'). Captain Ukitake was piling present upon present into a weary and slightly bemused Captain Hitsugaya's arms, Captain Komamura was on the dance floor, Captain Soi-Fon (recently discharged from Squad Four) was standing by a wall waiting for Lady Yoruichi and glaring at anybody who came within a ten meter radius of her. Lieutenant Hinamori had not been seen after running away from Nnoitra, the Women's Shinigami Association (excluding a few members) were still trying to act like men, while the Men's Shinigami Association had taken their idea and were trying to get into the mindset of being a woman (Lieutenant Kira and Lieutenant Hisagi were currently walking around, arm in arm, talking about shoes) and Lieutenant Kusajishi was following Kukaku Shiba round whilst asking questions about anything and everything that came to mind, the fireworks expert was displaying an unusual display of calmness, answering all questions put to her.

Rangiku was watching all this before her attention was drawn to the three figures approaching her. She was under the tree and it was the time that they had all decided to meet up.

"So, how did it go?" she asked as the men approached her looking like warriors coming home from war.

"It was horrendous." sighed Yumichika, slumping against the trunk of the tree.

Ikkaku stared at his friend, "You know, that's not like you Yumichika; you don't look very graceful at all."

"Well I don't care at the moment," snapped the other man. "I'm tired, I'm miserable, I spent hours on a plan that didn't work because we based it on the wrong assumptions and I have just told Head Captain Yamamoto to cut his beard off as it is most unsightly!"

"Why did you do that?"

"Because Grimmjow gave me the spiked drink that makes you tell the truth."

"Oh." Said the bald man nodding, "So Rangiku, we're all out of ideas, can you think of anyone else the Captain might be sleeping with?"

"No I can't," the busty woman huffed. "To be honest with you, I'm starting to think that that hair was his and Yumichika just got over excited about nothing."

"I did not, it definitely wasn't the Captain's hair!"

"How do ya know sweety?" asked Grimmjow soothingly as the Soul Reaper became agitated.

"Because it had shampoo and conditioner on it, the Captain uses soap to wash his hair so it remains stiff. I'm telling you, that hair belonged to someone else!"

"Ok, Ok," said the blue haired Espada quickly. "But are you sure about how it got there? I mean there are loads of explanations, it doesn't necessarily mean he's shagging someone."

"If you can think of another way someone's hair found its way into my Captain's private room, that is locked most of the time, then be by guest!"

"Well…hey, do you guys hear that?"

They stopped and listened, to hear a feint rumbling sound. Silence quickly spread through the party-goers like a disease as the ominous noise grew louder until the ground began shaking.

"It sounds like…footsteps." Said Ikkaku.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than the building of the Squad Ten barracks exploded and Captain Kuchiki came bursting out of the rubble and clouds of dust, a confused looking Ulquiorra being pulled along behind him.

"At last," panted the Squad Six Captain as he looked around. "FREEDOM…oh and sake." He added, spotting the drinks table. Walking over to it he started perusing through the different beverages on offer while the Espada he had hold of sighed when he realised his predicament; alone, in the middle of every single Soul Reaper in Seireitei, while looking quite conspicuously hollow, with his half mask and hole at the base of his neck.

Everyone was so shocked at the sudden appearance of a mad-man and an Espada in their midst, that no one realised that the rumbling hadn't stopped. Until they were shocked once again as the Squad Ten training hall was also blown up.

Captain Hitsugaya groaned, "Oh great, that's another year's budget gone on repairs. I can feel my headache turning into a migraine."

Out of the wreckage this time came an angry looking Sousuke Aizen, half running, half walking, with an equally pissed of white version of Ichigo Kurosaki speed walking by his side. The two were glaring at each other while each trying to take the lead in their strange race, behind them the rest of the Espada came strolling out of the rubble, taking their time to look around.

"Oh look," said Szayel-Aporro, disinterestedly, "There's Ulquiorra."

Instantly the fighting men stopped their staring contest in favour of looking around wildly, as soon as the spotted the Fourth Espada they rushed over to him as quickly as possible, while trying simultaneously to push the other away.

"Ulqui!" cried hollow Ichigo who had reached his destination first due to a strategic elbow in Aizen's face at the last moment. "Oh baby, I've missed you, where have you been?" he flung his arms around the smaller man's body and crushed him to his chest (Byakuya, who had lost interest in Ulquiorra in favour of the alcohol, had release his death grip on the boys arm just moments ago, saving his hand from being crushed).

The small Espada was highly confused with the situation at hand. "Excuse me, but…who exactly are you?" he asked, which was hard, as he could barely breath.

Hichigo gasped , braking the hug, he pulled back from the boy slightly so he could look into his eyes. "Baby, it's me, don't 'cha recognise me?"

"…Kurosaki?"

"No, no, it's me, Ichigo's inner holl…well I guess you've never seen me looking humanoid before, but it was me who defeated you remember?" He received a blank stare. "Think horns, mask…mullet?"

"Oh, that was you?"

"Yes." He smiled encouragingly.

"Weren't you taller back then?" Ulquiorra asked, cocking his head to the side slightly.

Hichigo was squealing at how cute the other looked, when Aizen staggered back to his feet, coughing slightly. "Ulquiorra," he commanded. "Come here."

"Yes Aizen-sama." The Espada replied before pushing past Ichigo's alter ego in order to obey his master's command. He was almost there when he was knocked to the ground by a black blur. When he sat up a second later it was to see his master flat on his back with a tiny woman sitting on top of him, beating him over the head with the hilt of her zanpakuto

"You jerk, jerk, jerk, jerkity-jerk jerk!" she yelled while pummelling him.

He was about to help Aizen when he felt strong arms encasing his waist. "Leave them to it, it's obvious he deserves it." Muttered the white haired version of Kurosaki.

"Still…" said Ulquiorra before pointing his finger at the woman and starting to form a cero.

"No! MOMO!" screamed Nnoitra who flung himself in front of the cero, grabbed his love interest and jumped out of the way just at the green cero was unleashed. Aizen on the other hand, wasn't as lucky and took the full force of it…to his face.

"Oh dear." Monotoned Ulquiorra. "I got the wrong person."

"Don't worry about it," smirked the man behind him. "I'm sure he'll be fine."

As smoke rose from the battered Aizen's burnt body, those that had good hearing heard a croaky "Why?"

"Mr stalker, you…saved me?" Asked Momo in wonder, looking up into the face of the cross-dresser that was Nnoitra Gilga, who smiled shyly back at her.

"Yeah I…guess I did." He replied bashfully, a light tinge of pink appearing on his cheeks.

Momo stared at him for another minute before reaching up, pulling his face down and crushing their lips together.

"Awww." Everyone chorused lovingly.

"Well, that explains the mystery of where our friend has been going in his spare time." Szayel muttered to Harribel.

Said woman was staring at Nnoitra with a frown marring her hidden face, "Is that my dress?"

"Espada, Espada! Espada in Soul Society!" yelled Captain Kurotsuchi, running into the clearing waving his hands wildly in the air.

"Yes we know, they're all here." Said Captain Kuchiki, pointing to the Espada who waved at the new arrival.

"You have only just detected us now? My, my, the equipment you have here is a joke!" smirked Szayel Aporro.

"Grrr, shut up Granz!" screeched the infuriated scientist.

The funny moment was shattered however as Head Captain Yamamoto appeared in the middle of the crowd that had gathered around the action.

"What on Earth is going on here?" the old man demanded in his gruff voice. "Why are the Espada here, why is Aizen burning so inconsiderately on the ground and why, in all that is Holy, is one of our Lieutenants kissing a hollow so unashamedly in front of all of her colleagues?"

"Well you see…" everyone started babbling at the same time.

"There was a note you see, but we…"

"…couldn't find a dress so…"

"…a pink rhinoceros came into the room…"

"…wearing a cute little sailors outfit..!"

"ENOUGH!" screamed Captain Hitsugaya before unleashing his Hyourinmaru and freezing everyone up to their necks, there was instant silence. "Now," panted the child prodigy angrily. "I am too hot, I am tired, I look ridiculous in a stupid outfit my lazy Lieutenant bought me and I have a splitting headache, which none of you are helping with! So, one at a time please."

"Alright," continued the wizened old Commander. "Who knows this story from the beginning?"

Ikkaku and Rangiku glanced at each other and silently agreed not to say a word. Unfortunately, they had forgotten Yumichika's current predicament and inability to hide the truth.

"Well it all started off with a hair you see," rushed the narcissist and he proceeded to tell everyone present of the things that occurred, leading up to this event.

He meticulously revealed every detail of their investigation, leaving nothing out, which made things a bit uncomfortable at times, for example when he was ruthlessly retelling the tale of how Momo had been sent a black leather thong, how Tier Harribel could not cook or how Ikkaku had, at one time, been convinced that fairies entered your bedroom at night, snuck into your ear and stole your dreams (it had nothing to do with the story but he told everyone anyway).

"…and then Captain Shorty-Pants froze everybody and I started telling my story!"

There was silence as everyone tried to absorb what had just been said.

"So…you found a hair in my bed and automatically assumed that I had to be shagging someone?" clarified Captain Zaraki.

Yumichika rolled his eyes, "Yes, weren't you listening?"

"It never occurred to you that it could just have been mine?"

"We went over this ten minutes ago Captain…you don't use normal products on your hair, you use soap so that it stays stiff, so stiff in fact that if one fell out I bet you could use it as a needle. The hair I found was soft and smooth, it bore no resemblance to yours in the slightest!"

There was silence once more, then Ikkaku decided that it was time they put an end to this entire fiasco.

"So…who's hair was it?"

"Mine." said everyone they had investigated.

Needless to say this caused much confusion, especially with Captain Zaraki.

"Wait, wait, wait," said the huge man. "When the fuck have you lot been in my room?"

"I went in there to collect DNA for my research." Said Captain Kurotsuchi.

"I went to find more pillows for a threesome I was having later that night." Smirked Captain Kyoraku.

"I was doing a physical exam on you while you slept, as you never keep your appointments." Smiled Captain Unohana sweetly.

"I thought it was Momo's room," admitted Nnoitra. "Oh and by the way, if you find any of your clothes missing, I thought they were Momo's too…you probably won't want them back."

"Ewww!" was the general consensus.

"I was investigating your Spirit energy for Aizen-sama." Continued Ulquiorra, completely oblivious to everyone else's discomfort.

"I was trying to find a suitable brain for Lady Yoruichi, you were on my short list." Nodded Captain Soi-Fon.

"I was trying to find Lieutenant Kusajishi in a game of hide and seek but I got tired and fell asleep on your bed." Admitted a sheepish Momo.

"I was trying to find the entrance to the tunnels under my mansion and came out in a trap door in your bedroom." Explained Captain Kuchiki, whilst stuffing his face with cake.

"I do not believe my name was mentioned but I was also collecting test samples of DNA for my Captain." Monotoned Lieutenant Kurotsuchi.

"So…none of you actually had sex with the Captain?" asked Yumichika deflated.

Everyone shook their heads.

"Oh…" the three friend looked at each other sheepishly.

"Alright, who's ready for some fireworks? Hey sexy, come over here and help me with the big one would ya?"

"Would ya shut up woman, I'm kinda' in the middle of somthin' here!" Captain Zaraki shouted over his shoulder to the fireworks expert, who had just ambled over to see what all the fuss was about.

"Wait…Miss Shiba…you know our Captain?" asked Ikkaku, confused.

"I should hope so, been shagging him for three years now, I'd be kind of a slut if I didn't know em!" laughed the busty woman.

"So…so…oh Captain, you are sleeping with someone!" cried Yumichika happily, clapping his hands together, now that the ice had melted.

"Well yeah, what d'ya think I was a virgin or somit'?" he growled menacingly.

"Oh no, no, no, I'm just happy that we didn't go through this whole investigation thingy to find out it was all for nothing!" explained the narcissist.

Everyone quickly agreed.

"Oh yeah…"

"That would have been bad…"

"Kinda like saying 'and it was all a dream' at the end of a fan fiction!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all very romantic, now can we please get on with my fireworks display, I've gone to all the preparation of planning it and settin' it up and I 'aint goin' home without a few explosions, so let's get to it!" complained the fireworks expert, who had never had much of a stomach for 'soppy, lovey-dovey crap' as she called it.

"Yay!" everyone cheered as they all followed her to a huge field with rockets of all shapes and sizes, spread across the ground.

"Now y'all have to stand under the shealter of these trees as any one of these bad boys could blow ya sorry ass to hell…I mean it 'Chiru," she added looking pointedly at Lieutenant Kusajishi who had a mischievous smile on her face. "Well, here we go!" she decaled as she reached down to light the main fuse that spread to all the fireworks.

"Where'd everybody go?" Aizen wondered out loud as he stumbled around a clearing with trees all around it. "Great, this is all I need…I've been elbowed in the face, burnt by my baby's cero and frozen solid by that damned ice-brat, my day couldn't get any…oh hello, what's this?" He saw a small light quickly moving across the ground. Suddenly, it split into several small lights, all heading in different directions at different speeds. Aizen made his way over to the nearest one. "What are you little fellow? You're a spark aren't you, yes you are, you're so cute little spark! I shall name you sparky and you shall be mine, you shall be my !"

The audience winced as Aizen was catapulted into the sky by a rocket that had gone up his trousers. They all then 'oooh'ed and 'Ahhh'ed as an intricate and stunning display of a multitude of fireworks, lit the nights air, along with the black figure that was the great and all-powerful Lord Aizen, being hit by explosion after explosion, bouncing around like a ping-pong ball.

Everyone was content; Captain Unohana snuggled up to Captain Ukitake, Grimmjow pulled Yumichika into an affectionate hug, Momo and Nnoitra were in the forest doing God-knows-what, Lieutenant Kusajishi was excitedly pointing at the fireworks in Kukaku Shiba's arms while Captain Zaraki stood next to her, glaring at any man, or woman, who tried to stare at her breasts. Stark had quietly slipped his hand into Tier's, Ikkaku was looking at Lieutenant Kurotsuchi beside him whilst blushing deeply, Rukia was hugging Renji tightly who was slightly uncomfortable, as Captain Kuchiki was glaring daggers at him, promising him a slow and painful death with nothing more than his eyes. Hichigo was laughing in hysterics at Aizen whilst the Espada in his arms was watching him, Ulquiorra eventually gave a small smile and relaxed back into his chest.

All in all, it was a happy ending for everyone, but as Rangiku looked around at all the happy couples she felt a twinge of sadness. That was until she felt a pair of thin arms wrap around her waist, she looked over her shoulder to see silver hair and a familiar smile. "Hey Ran, hope ya didn't miss me."

"You idiot," she shouted. "Of course I did!"

"I guess so." He replied slyly.

They leaned in for a kiss, when Rangiku suddenly pulled away. "Wait a moment, if you're all here, then who's guarding Las Noches?"

"Oh don' worry, we got a guy back there."

**11.11.11**

"Achoo! Oh, sorry Wonderweiss, a pretty girl must be talking about me. Now, rule number three hundred and ninety four in my justice chess says that…hey, Wonderweiss, take that out of yo mouth, that ain't for chewin' on fool!"

**11.11.11**

**Well, there you go, that's it, the end of an era…well not so much an era, but hey!**

**It's taken me about a year to write and I'd just like to thank everybody who's supported me…It's corny but, I couldn't have done it without you!**

**Now as it's the last chapter, and I don't mind if you're reading this years after it was published, but it would be nice to hear what you thought, criticism would be greatly appreciated, I'm being serious guys, I do take into account what you say and try to improve myself!**

**Anywho, that's it. Thanks once again.**

**Maximoff's Forever signing off.**

Yumichika woke with a start. "Oh my goodness, what a strange dream. How ridiculous it was!"

"What dream?" yawned Grimmjow, stretching sleepily next to his lover.

"Oh nothing, I just dreamt that none of us really existed and we were all manga characters designed by a man named Tite Kubo and the investigation we just concluded was a fanfiction, written by an eighteen year old girl with no writing style or sense of plot, and that the last chapter was written at two in the morning when she should be studying for her physics exam!"

The blue haired Espada just stared sleepily at the narcissist. "Yeah, that is weird…now go back to sleep babe."


End file.
